A totally tubular surf column with a bald guy who got his ears pierced at 42-years-old.
Welcome to Heaps Surfy Radness! I’m your fully bitchin’ columnist, Vaughan Deadly. Some of you might know of me as the former editor of Surfing World magazine, while others might recognise me from a 1997 episode Australia’s Most Wanted where a man who looked exactly like me (but wasn’t) managed to evade the authorities after years of urinating himself on public transport while saying, “Aaaaaah… that’s better” really loud. Oh, and I have also written the Lips column on the last page of Monster Children for 59 issues (it should be 60, there was that time I didn’t get my story in before the deadline, and they ran a photo of my botched circumcision instead–touche my friend, touche!). Anyway…
…it gives me great pleasure to join you on this wonderful and exciting new medium known as the magazine website. It’s the future of print for sure and, having just pierced my ears for the first time (big thanks to Judy at Priceline), there’s never been a more appropriate time for me to contribute to “new media.” ROFL.
My goal with Heaps Surfy Radness! is to bring you the most topical and important stories from that most core and dangerous of all the counter cultures: surfing. Sure, the Australian prime minister—a climate change denier who wants to ban gay teachers from Christian schools—may have been wearing a Hurley hat on the news the other night, but don’t let that fool you into thinking surfing has gone super-lame, corpo sell-out, mainstream kook on us. No way. Surfing is still as gnar as ever and every week I’ll be here to help prove it.
And what better way to start than by shitting all over surfing’s most fucked inventions ever? See, everything’s coming up Millhouse.
I agree with Instagram, there’s no place in life for nipples. All they do is feed babies, go all hard when it’s cold, and ruin George Clooney’s Batman suit. They’re especially shit in the surf cause they get heaps rashed up and sting like fuck. Nice one, Jesus. Worst invention ever.
Also known as the Portuguese man o’ war, these gelatinous little blue pockets of air sail into the summer surfing line-up, dragging their poisonous barbed tails behind them and stinging the fuck out of everything and everyone that gets in their way. Apparently pissing on the affected area helps to ease the pain of a sting, unless the person doing the piss had asparagus and garlic for lunch. Anyway, good work again, Jesus. Another dumb invention.
Drilling for Oil in the Great Australian Bight
Did you know the Australian government, led by Hurley hat-wearing kook PM Scott Morrison and with support from his so-called environment minister Melissa Price, are considering applications from overseas Big Oil companies to allow offshore drilling in the Great Australian Bight? This is one of the most beautiful, pristine and swell rich coastlines in the world, and a spill or any accident like the BP Gulf of Mexico disaster would fuck it for generations to come. Dead set, who invented these people?! I’ll tell you who. Jesus. Nice one idiot. Go here to fightforthebight.org.au
The Spring Suit
There’s nothing all that bad about spring suits I suppose. Everyone from Mick Fanning to Sean Penn wears them and they’re a comfortable, lightweight, windproof, no-nonsense wettie. It’s just that when you’ve got one on, your legs look like toothpicks sticking out of cheese cubes on an 80s cocktail snack platter and for this reason, they get a big “thumbs down emoji” from this up-to-date-with-modern-language-trends internet blogger.
The Surf Bike
How long till we see this guy and his ilk rocking fingerless red leather gloves and cool bandanas intimidating line-ups world-wide with their sea burnouts and ocean wheelies? Say it with me surfers… “WHAT DO WE WANT? NO MORE SURF BIKES! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!” That’ll show them, those reefer smoking surf bike hooligans.