You could be blamed for thinking flight attendants are the happiest, most patient people in the world.
After all, at 30,000 feet they fetch the drinks and collect the trash with the calm and composure of the Dalai Lama on Xanax. Beneath that unflappable cool, however, burns a hatred so fierce, so powerful, that to release it would mean certain death for all on board—including those up front with the nice watches. Flight attendants hate and, as you’ll see in a moment, they have more than enough reason to do so. Meet Charlotte (not her real name), a stewardess that has more than a few bones to pick with Joe Q. Public.
1. Taking forever to decide which drink you want. You’ve seen me coming down the aisle with the drink cart for the last 20 minutes, and you have the brochure I handed you when you boarded the plane; by all means, though, take your time selecting a beverage. There’re only 500 other passengers I have to get to.
2. Keeping your headphones on while you order a drink. You are screaming at me. Now everyone in a 10-seat radius knows you’re an asshole who wants another Jack Daniel’s and coke.
3. Walking around the plane barefoot. Not cool. You know people have been walking around in this plane every day since it was built 10 years ago, right? Gross.
4. Playing with the call bell. Of course you pressed it by mistake, and three times already. Press it again and see what happens, motherfucker.
5. When parents let their children roam the plane without supervision. Despite what you might think, your children are neither cute nor delightful when they’re crawling up and down the aisles and getting under my feet. Buckle those little shits in or they’re going in the overheads.
6. Commenting on “how small the plane is”. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you flying to New York today? Oh, wait. You’re flying regional, aren’t you? Of course, it’s a small plane, you knob. This is a 30-minute flight.
7. Asking to borrow a pen for customs forms. Sure, no problem. I have an unlimited supply in my pocket. Besides, I am sure you’ll give it back to me, like every other fucker I lend a pen.
8. Asking to be upgraded to Business Class after you board. Why, of course! Collect your things and follow me! Today is your lucky day! You are the chosen one!
9. Putting your seat down just enough so the crew won’t see it. Yes, we can see it. Nice try. Put it back up before I punch you in the neck.
10. Hanging out in the galley. Hey chief, do I come to your office to do yoga with bad breath? Get back in your fucking seat.