7 Things Old People Do That I’ve Decided To Adopt


 

You probably don’t realise it, but old folks have life all figured out.

Sure, they’re useless to society and some of them are so old that feeding them feels like a waste of food, but one thing’s for sure–they know how to live right. In a bid to enjoy my time on earth a little more, I’ve decided to adopt a few of our senior citizen’s habits. Here are seven.

Farting

Old folks will rip the sky in half with a fart and then act like nothing happened. It’s amazing. Sometimes it’s like a jazz band is warming up at my Nana’s house, and she’ll just stare back at me and say, ‘What?’ I want to be like that.

Carrying a hanky

My Nan used to stuff hankies up my sleeves all the time. Now she’s too old to catch my wrists so she waves them at me from her chair. ‘Don’t forget a hanky.’ Why would anyone, besides a Snot Magician, keep a square of mucous-hardened fabric up their sleeve? That’s crazy. I’ll do it.

Going to the cinema in the middle of the day

Old people go see movies in the middle of the day because a) they’re in bed by 4:30 pm anyway, and b) there’s no one at the movies during the day except for other oldies, and that means silence. They do whisper, ‘what’s happening?’ and ‘who’s that guy?’ and ‘where am I?’ from time to time, but I’ll take that over idiots texting any day.

Clapping at the cinema

Gay James and I went to the movies at 6am last week, and when the credits rolled there was a scattering of applause from the eight or so dinosaurs who made up the rest of the audience. Having never clapped at the cinema, I joined in. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ hissed Gay James. ‘Bravo!’ I cried, standing from my seat. It was good. I’m doing that from now on.

Clapping on planes

 ‘We didn’t die! Hurray for the pilot! He did it again!’ Applauding when your plane lands might seem completely absurd, but you weren’t around to see the Wright brothers smashing into barns every other weekend. Old people still recognize air travel for the miracle that it is, and I think I might start viewing it that way too. It’s another opportunity to clap. I’ll take it.

Paying for everything with cheques

Fuck it. Why not?

Chewing the ears off of strangers

 Why wait until you’re 87 to start complaining to strangers about the state of the world and how your body is failing you? Today at the grocery store I struck up a one-way conversation with a woman about the weather, my various ailments, and how much cheaper things were twenty years ago. I farted the whole time like a broken crockpot, and then I fumbled with my cheque-book while everyone rolled their eyes. It was fantastic.

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