An Xmas Gift Guide To Trigger Your Socially Sensitive Friends and Family

Christmas, it’s the most wonderful time of the year—to be offended.

The calendar month where selfish gift givers cluelessly reinforce race, religious, sexual and gender stereotypes by buying friends and loved ones whatever it is they “think” they would enjoy. Only to be met with silence and later alerted to a triggered IG post. So don’t accidentally fuck it up this Christmas with good intentions gone awry. Do it on purpose, with these gifts certain to trigger your politically correct friends and family.

Gingerbread men

You sexist pig. Women can be gingerbread, too. In fact, gender determination is best left up to the gingerbread person herself. Because biscuits and cookies of sugar and flour need to be heard. Believe it or not, it’s been a hotly debated topic since as far back as 2010, when 400 UK schools were banned from using the term “man” and forced to replace it with “person”. It was soon overturned after a public outcry, and PC advocates themselves deemed it a step too far. And then there was a Melbourne cafe in 2014 that sold their Christmas treats as “Genderless Gingerbread Figures”. For the record, gingerbread men date back to the 16th Century, were popularized by the O.G Queen Elizabeth, and entered the mainstream courtesy of the 1875 children’s fairy tale “The Gingerbread Man”.

Baby It’s Cold Outside (Christmas Carol Single)

Written and performed by a married couple in 1950s to the delight of audiences everywhere, this Christmas Carol made famous by Dean Martin has today been deemed a rape anthem. Namely because the call and response song revolves around Martin attempting to persuade his lover to stay the night, and her replying with veiled excuses why she shouldn’t—basically, “how it would look” despite the fact she wants to. One line in particular has caused people’s heads to explode in recent years, where the woman says “what’s in this drink?”—a common joke, years before Bill Cosby entered into pharmaceuticals, that was used as a winking excuse to mask a sober and intentional decision. Or a clumsy attempt at something.

A case of Coopers beer

You ignorant motherfucker. Don’t you know Coopers is actively trying to suppress the gay community by providing the 200-year-old Bible Society with a few free cases here and there? And worse yet, those Bible-bashing bigots dared invite two gay intellectuals and a straight religious man (all close friends) to have a rational discussion about gay marriage over a couple beers on camera. Well, gay man and equal rights activist Tim Wilson was pumped on the convo. But straight white dudes took serious offence on behalf of Wilson, and bars and bros alike boycotted all things Coopers in a public display of over-reaction – which caused Coopers to make an apology. That Wilson blasted as unnecessary.

Matching his and hers outfits

This is a big fuck-up. Sure the couple you buy it for may be heterosexual. But unless the brand responsible for the product also makes his and his, hers and hers, zhers and zhers, you’re just another henchman of the patriarchy trying to enforce backwards ancient stereotypes on gender and sexuality upon a minority. You’re against equality. Hate women. And definitely voted “no” on the gay marriage bill.

Tickets to see comedian Colin Jost of SNL live

We can all agree Donald Trump has been a disaster for the world. But instead of interrogating ourselves as to why the liberal agenda has failed worldwide to win support, we attack our own. Just as Saturday Night Live head writer and host of weekend update host Colin Jost found out when he quipped: “The dating app Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 different gender identity options… It’s called, why democrats lost the election”. Though SNL and Jost both lean to the left, he was hammered for the joke by the increasingly vocal far-left in countless op-eds and Twitter posts. In response, Jost cited a supportive New York Times article by political scientist, historian and Columbia University professor Mark Lilla, who Paste Magazine subsequently labelled “batshit”—thus illustrating Lilla and Jost’s case in point. Here’s Lilla’s argument: “American liberalism has slipped into a kind of moral panic about racial, gender and sexual identity that has distorted liberalism’s message and prevented it from becoming a unifying force.”

And while you’re at it, offer an unpopular opinion based on fact. Like January 26 is the best day for the Hottest 100 because fewer people work on federal public holidays than they do on weekends.

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