Weddings are a real crock of shit.
They cost heaps and force distant relations—who’ve got more in common with a potato salad than they do each other—to converse. But there’s one person who’s having a way worse time than everyone put together, and that’s the wedding photographer—that tireless, foolish workhorse who’ s in it for the money, not your “special day”. “Help me!” their eyes seem to scream as they corral the same group of people into yet another combination. “Just the girls this time…” they mirthlessly chuckle. “Alright, groom’s family only guys!” they giggle to disguise a deep sob. But just for once, we wanted to make it about them, which is why we’ve given one a public forum to vent the pain away. To protect his rating on Gumtree, we’ve withheld his identity, so he could spew forth his hate without fear. Take it away.
1. Sending the couple 800 photographs of their day and getting an email back from the bride asking if there are any more photos. Actually yes, lucky you asked, I have a secret collection stashed away for no given reason.
2. Mobile phones in ceremonies. Nothing better than enjoying that special moment of the bride walking down the aisle through the six-inch screen on your iPhone.
3. Crew meals. Couples pay a decent amount of money for our crew meals on the night—anywhere from $50-120—and if they saw the quality of food their money bought they would be appalled.
4. When you receive a Pinterest board from the bride with over-posed, tacky wedding photos asking if we can “do photos like this on the day”.
5. When a client asks for all the RAW files—my editing comes tight with my branding, so why would I want to give you 4000 un-edited images that look shithouse? I can almost guarantee that you also do not have the software to open them up.
6. Uncle Bob with his DSLR and pop-up flash. Nothing like Uncle Bob jumping up at any given moment with his new DSLR and kit lens to grab that shot you “might miss”, while he stands in your way with his flash going off and completely ruining your shot.
7. ”Your prices are a little out of our budget, can you give us a discount?” “We have a friend that’s getting into photography who said he would do it for a quarter of your price!” Get your friend to shoot it then, I’d love to see the quality of images he/she produces and how they cope with all of the stress on the day.
8. Grooms that are too cool for the portrait session—it’s your wedding, mate. Lighten up, show some love.
9. The best man that thought he should consult Google for his speech, which happens a lot. It’s your best friend, I’m sure that you can come up with at least one funny story and not succumb to some lame Google search of: “Great lines for a best man speech.”
10. Wait staff at the reception that are rude and stuck up because they work at a suave restaurant. Just because you’re wearing a nice collared shirt and pants does not make you an investment banker living in a mansion in Point Piper. At the end of the day, you clear tables and serve food and drinks, so why don’t you just pop down from that horse.