The 9 Categories of People We Propose for an Immigration Ban

If your names not down then you’re not coming in.

Immigration should be based on personality defects and not race or religion.

It’s also a luxury fewer and fewer of the world’s people enjoy, making the past month’s marches against America’s travel ban on immigrants from seven Muslim countries one of the most contentious issues of our lifetime. But tainting every person of any religion, country or group with the same brush as its worst element isn’t just unfair, it’s condemning the innocent to a lifetime—probably a much shorter one at that—of misery. Fuck that. It’s guilt by association, one which children born to religious parents in whatever country had/have no choice over. Just like you had no choice over that mullet cut your Mum fit you out with as a toddler.

But people do have a choice as to how they act in public. And that’s how people should be judged, by what they do and say, and not where they come from or which god they pray to. And to that point, we offer a surefire foolproof answer to immigration screening that will make the world a far safer and friendlier place—personality defect screening.

If you act like an inconsiderate fuckwit, you’re not getting in. Additionally, with the fact the world’s population is spiralling out of control, these measures could also be employed for culling purposes. As such, here are the nine types of personality traits/bad habits that should rule you out of travelling—and possibly life.

Gym grunters

For fuck’s sake, unless you’re a professional athlete, which you’re clearly not if you’re hogging the rusted squat machine at Fitness First, there’s no excuse for grunting and excessive pained breathing in public. If the rest of the people in the gym can stave off the urge to make silverback gorilla mating calls, you can keep your mouth shut when you’re doing an assisted pull-up. And while we’re here, those compression socks are doing fuck all for your 40-minute half-assed workout. There are mirrors everywhere at the gym, take a hard look at yourself. Idiot.

The selfie-holidayers

You know those mouth breathers, the nine-to-fivers (typically single women or male models between the ages of 18 and 30) who go on vacation to get away from it all and shake off the shackles of modern society and all its technologies, only to post hourly curated images on their Instagram account in pursuit of a rich guy/girl who will suddenly question how they ever lived without them. Don’t feel sorry for these people, they’re self-involved idiots. But do spare a thought for the ugly friend who they drag around under the pretense of girls’ trip just to take three consecutive hours of skin pics on a freezing day.

The non-indicators

Too good to use your turn signal, cunt? Purged. If you can flick off a Snap story and three emails while driving, you can bloody well nudge that little stick on your steering wheel and at least give the car next to you a moment’s warning before you cut them off. Muppet.

The crunchy eaters

Your mouth’s not a fucking echo chamber unto your face. And if you’re in a confined space with other people—see cinema, meeting, class—it’s common sense to avoid chips, nuts, Maltesers or any godforsaken food that makes people have to talk up to hear themselves over your mouthgasm. FYI: Maltesers, according to the good people as Mars, are supposed to melt in your mouth, not explode.

Those who don’t courtesy flush

You’re an adult man. You’ve seen Austin Powers. You’ve heard the courtesy flush jokes. But somehow you still think it’s acceptable to treat the rest of the men’s room to a porcelain cacophony of rectal screams and bubbles.Take your hand off your dick and flush the fucking toilet upon deployment. Will also make for a cleaner toilet.

The tight arses

We’re not talking your garden variety tight arse here, but the tinsel town tight arses who like to live large on other people’s dime. You know these shifty cunts, the ones who order up big on the cocktails and champagne, then have a sixth sense for when the bill’s about to arrive and happen to disappear just as it’s time for the credit cards to come out. Also included in this pinnacle of fuckwittery—and on equal footing with one another—are those who take advantage of the even split bill by ordering to excess, and the oxygen thieves who only contribute for what they consumed and not what they ordered. Delete your account.

The drug sponges

If you’re a tinsel town tight arse, then there’s every chance and then some that you’re a fun-sucking (not the good kind) coke whore. These types never have drugs, but make it their business to find out who does. They’ll offer to buy more if you can order it but then conveniently are out of cash when the goods arrive—then claim the ATM down the street is, too. Rest assured that won’t deter these confident used car salesmen, they’ll pocket the bag just before it’s time for a new location and lose you and your number along the way. Pro tip: Always have one baggie of Wizz Fizz on your person at all times, and give these leaches what they deserve.

The loud talkers

You’re at a table of four and facing each other. And no matter how important you think you are, the people at your table probably don’t wanna hear what you have to say, let alone those across the room. STFU.

Dog people

Yeah, we said it. It’s not the dog we have an issue with, but your refusal to pick up the steaming pile of faeces it just unloaded on the high-traffic footpath. You buy a dog, you face the consequences. Also, put the dog down. It’s got four fucking legs—spares for when the main two get tired. And we know your waddling rottweiler isn’t a service dog. You’re doing soft sand sprints and hitting the beach bars on the reg, so the fact you’re forcing it upon unsuspecting passengers on a long haul flight is just another reason why you’re not long for this earth.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter