Tain’t No Spring Chicken Record Review.


You kids don’t know shit, with your Skrillexers and yr goddamn Lame Tomatillos or whatever they’re called; in my day music had great, pendulous sasquatch balls that came swinging at your head, and if you weren’t careful you’d get one right in the mouth and choke to death on coarse, grey sasquatch pubes. These days everyone’s skipping around with a mandolin, sensible footwear, and a facial hair project–I’ve had enough. This is the ‘Tain’t No Spring Chicken Record Review’ and I’m about to edju-ma-cate you young whipper-snappers on a subject very close to my 30-something year-old heart: Good Tunes.

First cab off the rank: Suede’s debut album, Suede. When this record came out in 1993 I was barely old enough to drink–but I did! Fuck the rules, man; I was a crazy kid living on the edge. I had big ideas about big stuff, and Suede made me think that those ideas weren’t so crazy. One of the ideas was to grow my hair all floppy and feminine and wear a large hoop earing and a pair of stovepipes. My dad was reasonably troubled by this period of my life; he thought I might be growing into a fruitcake, and this album–with it’s sexually ambiguous cover art, homosexual/bisexual lyrical undertones, and lead singer who looked like a pretty girl with no boobs–just made matters worse.

Fortunately, a foot-high stash of Penthouse magazines was discovered in my room and any worries my father might have had about me being queer–not there is anything wrong with that–were put to an end. Anyway, this album is very ‘cool,’ to use the antiquated parlance of my time, and you’re a dummy if you don’t head out and grab a copy right now. Interesting fact: Suede and this record in particular are credited with launching the whole Brit Pop thing; that’s legacy with a capital ‘L’.

Choice cuts: every cut. There’s not a bad song on here. ‘So Young’, ‘The Drowners’, and ‘Metal Mickey’ will make you wanna fuck (that very special lady in my case); ‘The Next Life’ and ‘Sleeping Pills’ will break your heart, and ‘Animal Nitrate’ will make you want to make love (to that special lady) all over again.

Get this album, Junior, you won’t regret it.

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