You cannot judge a book by its cover, and the same goes for records.
Just because the album art is cool doesn’t mean the music its sheathing is cool too. If I had a dollar for every crappy record I bought because the album art looked great I’d have enough to buy a secondhand Jetta. Here are seven records that totally suck but have totally amazing art.
KISS have had some amazing album covers, but for my money Love Gun has to be the best. Look at all those horny tramps groveling at KISS’s poofter boots! That’s amazing. Unfortunately this album–like every KISS album–sucks all the balls on planet earth. KISS are to Rock ‘n’ Roll what Pol Pot was to Cambodia: very bad. Sure, they made me happy when I was seven, but I was seven back then and I didn’t know my ass from my elbow.
When I first saw this album by the Swedish ‘heavy metal’ band Ghost I was really excited. I mean, just look at it, it’s got everything: bats, a haunted house, an inverted crucifix, a skeleton-pope, the whole shebang. ‘Awesome!’ I said as I skipped to the checkout. ‘Awesome!’ said the ponytailed dude who rang me up. ‘Awesome,’ said my roommate when I got home and dropped the needle. ‘Awesome!’ said absolutely no one as the music farted from the speakers. This record is not awesome at all; it’s fucking dreadful. And it’s certainly not heavy. Ghost make Cold Play look like Slayer.
Dannii Minogue–Every Single Album
I’ve had a thing for Dannii Minogue since I was eight. Back then that thing looked a lot like a cashew, but these days it bears a striking resemblance to an over-cooked cocktail frank. In my inexplicable and wholly bizarre opinion, every Dannii Minogue album cover is perfect. If only the music didn’t make me want to climb into a cupboard and choke myself out with fishing line.
Metallica– The First Four Albums
Metallica suck. I know that’s a gravely unpopular opinion to hold, but I can’t stand them. Having said that, their first four album covers were flawless studies in evil brilliance. Kill ‘Em All had blood and a hammer (awesome), Ride the Lightning had lightening (cool), Master of Puppets had tombstones (deadly), and …And Justice For All had a picture of Lady Justice blindfolded and bound with rope (kinky!). After those four records, though, the false advertising stopped and the packaging began to genuinely reflect the contents: shit.
Roxy Music–Country Life
I just do not get Roxy Music. Bryan Ferry sounds like someone trying but failing to get an erection in a gale. He’s insufferable. The local abattoir is making less distressing sounds. Still, he and his bandmates understood the importance of packaging, and this album is testimony to that. Sex = Sales = Suckers!
The Wailers–Catch A Fire
It looks like a Zippo lighter! See that little rivet on the left? That enables the top of the cover to swivel up, revealing a flaming Zippo wick and–abracadabra–the record. Clever concept. Unfortunately, this is reggae, and reggae is to my ears what electrified razor wire is to your testicles.
Justine Bieber–Under the Mistletoe
I want to fuck this girl so bad. Imagine those lips on a back-slide! Lord-have-mercy. If only her music didn’t make me want to punch my own head in…