Welcome to Cash For Comment, the weekly online department where companies send me things, I write a bunch of baloney under the pretense of a review, and then I keep the things, or douse them in LSD and leave them at the bus stop. This week’s thing that arrived in the mail–socks.
I feel ridiculous saying this, but there was a time when my sock drawer was a pathetic mish-mash of styles and patterns and I owned maybe three actual, matching pairs. I don’t know why, but it never occurred to me to go out and buy socks, and consequently my feet looked like Sifl & Olly on meth. There were three distinct sock groups living in my sock drawer: ratty, Christmas present dress socks; socks left behind by friends; and mystery socks. The mystery socks weren’t so bad because they added an element of intrigue to my everyday life. I’d be digging for black or blackish sock, and I’d come across a hot-pink leopard print one and hear the X-Files music. Overall, though, my socks were a shameful, synthetic disaster, and I never went to Japanese restaurants or visited those friends who imposed the dreaded ‘shoes off’ policy.
‘The Bad Sock Years,’ as I’ve come to know them, stretched from the day I moved out of home to the day I started at Monster Children. At MC I started getting free socks all the time. That’s what happens when you work at a magazine–sock companies send you free socks. You should see my sock drawer now; I have about a hundred pairs of good quality, matching socks, and exactly zero pitiful Oliver Twist socks. My sock situation is so good, so abundant and luxurious, I’ll occasionally yank open my drawer and think for a second that I must have gone on a bender and broke into someone else’s house. That’s how good it is.
And it got even better this week with the discovery of the Fresh Sock Co. These guys are geniuses and I wish they’d been in around in the bad old days. The Fresh Sock Co. is a sock subscription service that works like this–you subscribe, and they send you a brand new pair of socks every month. How great is that? And they’re awesome socks too. You can subscribe for 3, 6, 9 or 12 months, and if you get a pair you don’t like you can change them. Subscriptions are great because every month you get something in the mail that isn’t a bill or a restraining order or a dead bird, and the gift of a subscription is even better because you’re effectively giving that special someone a present every four weeks without lifting a finger. Imagine your best friend pulling on a fresh pair of socks every month and thinking nice thoughts about you. That’s priceless. Then again, what did that asshole ever do for you? Get yourself a subscription to the Fresh Sock Co. and watch your sock drawer become a sumptuous cotton-blend horn of plenty like mine.