Like standup comedy, the hard thing about nudity is judging your crowd. And, knowing the strength of your joke(s). Removing your garments in varying arenas can bring accolade, ridicule, or, incarceration, and hell, we’ve all been on the wrong side of the line at some point. To gain clarity, we’ve created categories with pencil boarders, to try and make your experience of nudity more enjoyable. Take a number and join the que. Where, when, who.

Sporting arenas:

Streaking is almost extinct due to the humourless fat white men that control world sport. Once a common sight, streaking at a major sporting events circa 2016 is pretty much guaranteed to land the protagonist in the big house. But, this is should not discourage the brave young adventurer. The holy grail of streaking is doing a lap, preferably with the sidestepping of a few puffed-out security guards, and exiting the arena to freedom.

Among friends:

If you can’t bare all around your best friends, then you should get new ones. Simple. The grey area is when you’re around other people’s friends, like your girlfriend’s. Now this is by no means foolproof, but I fully implore you to boldly throw your garments to the wind. The first time I met my fairer half’s oldest pals I exited the room, and reentered by kicking down the door with a sock carefully slipped over my genitals. It  was an instant hit and got invited to all the weddings. This kind of manoeuvre is clearly only performed after copious quantise of alcohol and or chemicals.

When you’re an attractive male (over the age of 18.)

When women take their clothes off it means something. When men undress in the public sphere then it generally means that they’re an idiot. This is one of the great injustices of modern society and I will endeavour to fight it until my dying day. What’s the opposite of suffragette?

When you’re an attractive female (over the age of 18.)

In this case, totally acceptable to be without clothes anywhere, anytime. This may seem grossly unjust, but that’s just how it is. If captured in black and white then it’s art. If full frontal which a serious facial expression then it’s a bold feminist statement. If it’s accompanied by a nude male then it’s porn. And these, are all very much good things.

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