I watched the new Alltimers Miami clip and was like, “Oh yeah, alright, that’s it. I’m copping the fucking Farley deck.” I’m as tall and big as Andrew Wilson, and like so many easily-swayed consumers before me, I figured it would make me skate as good. So I bought it. The board is 8.5” wide and 32.5” long—it’s big and funny, just like the guy on it, and the hologram heart draws more attention than a Lisa Frank binder on the first day of school. It’s got a long wheelbase (yeah I know, I had no idea that was a thing either: it’s the distance between the front and back axles), so it’s perfect for a wide-gaited tall guy, if that’s how you see yourself.

In “Titos at Ticos,” I noticed that these guys have a totally ball hard/skate hard mentality. What with Chris Farley’s intense, made-up face flickering at me every time I do a kickflip, I gotta say, this thing has kind of made me want to party too, ya know?

Lately I’ve been imagining myself poolside in a Hawaiian shirt and speedos, bopping my peach-tinted aviators incessantly to the thump of “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor.   Razor in hand, I’m chopping bliggy on the key lime surface of my crisp Farley deck as a slew of women who look like Cassandra Wong from Wayne’s World engage me with kind eyes in fascinating, albeit chizz-fueled, conversation about love, art, and life’s finer accolades. I look out over all the beauty around me, put my feet up, grin, and tell myself, “Congrats bud, we’ve made it.” These are the horny sentiments that this deck has inspired in me. Would def set one up again.

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