Things I’d do if I had a Time Machine

Wouldn’t it be great to have a Time Machine? Imagine all the cool things you could do! You could witness historic events firsthand, catch up with ancient ancestors, cheat on the horses, and punch all those throats you should have punched the first time around. Yes sir, you could do a lot of fun stuff with a Time Machine–and now, with the recent experiments in Switzerland, time travel is a distinct possibility.

For those of you who have been trapped in a well for the last 24 hours, scientists at the Institute of Quantum Mechanics in Basel just passed a test subject (a small coin) a fraction of a second into the future. How they did it, and how they even know they did it, is completely beyond this dummy’s comprehension, but they did do it, and now they’re claiming human time travel will be enjoyed by all in about one hundred years. Unfortunately, you and I will be missing out on that unless we live on for another hundred years… or unless someone from the year 2115 comes back to get us! Whoa. You’re blowing my mind, Me. Here are 7 Things I’d do if I had a Time Machine.



Hitler. Unlike presidential candidate Ben Carson, if I had a Time Machine, I would abort Hitler. In fact I’d do one better: I’d travel back to 1889 and push his pregnant mother down a flight of fucking stairs. Actually, on second thought, she was an innocent lady and I don’t want to push anyone down a set of stairs, let alone an innocent lady. I’d rather go back a year earlier to 1888 and electrocute Hitler Senior’s wedding tackle before he could give Mrz. Hitler one in the fotzengruber. You’re welcome, Jews.



Kiss Grace Kelly. I would go back to 1954, run onto the set of Rear Window, and I would straight-up kiss Grace Kelly on the lips. BAM. Then I‘d run back to the Time Machine and split to the year 1998 and not kiss Fiona Osmond; she was a lousy kisser and she said Alien Ant Farm were as good as–if not better than–Led Zeppelin. She also gave me a cold sore. Hope they have Zovirax in 1954.


The band

The Band. This will probably ‘harsh-out’ some longhairs, but it’s my Time Machine so to hell with them. If I had a Time Machine Id’ go back to the 60s and make a documentary about those overrated turd-minstrels The Band. It’d be called They Only Wrote One Half-Decent Song, and it would feature 90-minutes of me throwing eggs at them every time they tried to torment good, honest people with that long, raspy fart they called their ‘music.’ Suck eggs, The Band.



Johnny Depp. I’d like to do whatever it is you need to do to become a luggage handler for an airline, and I’d very much like to have myself scheduled to work when Johnny Depp is scheduled to fly. On that day I’d eat a kilo of licorice, 12 pieces of corn, 3 liters of hummus, a bucket of broccoli, a chicken, a beaker of green food dye, a pot of coffee, and an old wig. Then I’d consume a box of laxatives. Then I’d go to work. At work I would fill Johnny Depp’s luggage with the contents of my stomach and hurl it on the plane. I know I don’t need a Time Machine to do this, but I’d like to do it. I do not much like Johnny Depp.



Be My Own Childhood Security Guard. It may seem petty and childish, but if I had a Time Machine I’d return to those few times where I was at the mercy of bullies and I’d beat the living piss out them. Now, before you start writing angry letters about ‘child abuse’ and whatnot, stop and have a think about it. Remember that eight year-old who was bigger than you, the one who threw your bike in the bushes? Remember how helpless and humiliated you felt? Now imagine adult you pulling up in a car and grabbing that kid by the ankles and smacking his head against a fucking tree trunk. Beautiful.



Un-eating Things. If–but only if–I had a Time Machine, I’d more than likely spend eternity zipping back and forth between eating something and not eating something, just so I could constantly feast without getting fat or full. In fact I’d go back and forth between many things: drugs, sex, wine, anything sensually satisfying. I’d be a real-life Dionysus, a libidinous, insatiable super-man, eternally reveling in the pleasures of the flesh. I’d also crap in Johnny Depp’s suitcase again.



Fuck up History

The most fun thing to do, I think, would be to go back in time and mess with the course of history. Take an iPod, laptop, or even just a can of coke back a few hundred years and freak the fuck out some medieval peasants. Or dump a box of old cellphone chargers at the coronation of Henry VIII. Ride a dirt bike through Act 3 Scene 4 of the first ever performance of Hamlet. Give a bag of Skittles to Joan of Arc. Hand Rosa Parks a Taser. Show Mao Tse-tung the best Vines of 2014. You could furnish Mary and Joseph an Igloo tent, glow sticks and a Baby Bjorn. Imagine that! Call up Jim Morrison and fart into the mouthpiece for fun, or show Jimi Hendrix a little song you wrote called ‘Stairway to Heaven.’ Why not? The list of things you could do with a Time Machine is endless, and it really is amazing to think that time travel will be one day be as common and ordinary as flying. What a trip.


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