I’m done talking about things that have already happened.
The past is boring. From now on I’m all about the future. Give me silver onesies with matching Reeboks. Give me trans-galactic teleportation unicycles. Give me robot dogs that poop hot spaghetti. Give me Heaps of Surfy Radness from tomorrow, today!
There’s a big, fuck off cyclone swell coming for the Australian East Coast!
Back in the past (lame) people believed you could tell if a cyclone was coming simply by sucking on a juicy mango. If the mango was sweet, that meant cyclone. If it was bitter, that meant you were an idiot for biting into a green mango. These days, thanks to technology from the future (awesome), we can predict not only when a cyclone is coming, but even how many seconds you’ll spend in the cone zone once the thing starts hammering the Northern NSW and Queensland points. Right now, the weather instruments are telling us that Cyclone Oma is going to be a belter, which is great news for most East Coast surfers who have had an absolute gutful of the summer northerlies and eating shitty green mangoes. If you don’t mind a wave slide then cancel everything else you’ve got going on this weekend and go get some tunnel vision. If you look at Instagram, be prepared to be bombarded with surf selfies long into next week.
Maassen Gives Us Fissures
Auteur is not a word I use often, mostly because I don’t know what it means, yet if I had to describe Morgan Maassen I would say he is most definitely a surfy film auteur (I just looked it up and it works so I’m running with it). The Californian, who’s still shy of 30, has long been known for creating reels which saturate the senses and his latest edit Fissures is grand and sweeping and truly beautiful, much like Morgan’s hair. Says Morgs: “It’s a compendium of various moments, visions, places, like a dreamscape… but also, simply, a longform visual odyssey.” If only it could have been filmed in the future, but as it wasn’t, it’s useless to me now.
Byron Bay Surf Festival kicks off next Wednesday
One thing that is in the future (kicking off next Wednesday, Feb 20) is the Byron Bay Surf Festival. Yaaaaaaay! This year’s BBSF has plenty of surfy stuff happening, including a Tom Carroll photo exhibition, a Legends Lounge night with Dave Rastovich and Dick Hoole, surfy comps with singles and twins, surfy markets, surfy films, and Andrew Kidman will probably sing a surfy song at some point too. However, it’s the Women’s Panel taking place on Friday night at the Beach Hotel featuring Steph Gilmore, Lisa Andersen and Kelia Moniz that is a must-see event for one and all. That’s 13 World Titles between three of the most graceful surfers in history… miss that and you may as well burn your surfboard and move into a wheelbarrow with a tarp over the top of it, loser.
The last episode of The Hold Down airs on Sunday
Did you know I have my own TV show? It’s true! Even better, it’s on in the future, this Sunday at 10 am on Channel 9 to be precise. It’s actually been on all summer, not that I care about anything that happened in the past anymore, because I don’t, but because every ep of the show is also on an app that lets you watch Channel 9 whenever you want, it also means that every ep is available in the future as well. In other words, my TV show exists in the past, present and future all at once. Surely that’s worthy of a science Logie? Anyway, the show is called The Hold Down and my brother Ronnie is also on it. I don’t know what we talk about this Sunday because we filmed nine episodes in two days last September and my memory is shot to pieces, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’ll be surfy related.