monsterchildren_lucy_breadRant by Josh Rakic

Hey, you there. The one ruining dinner by insisting on a gluten-free pizza base and forcing gluten-free pasta upon your friends and family because “gluten just like, doesn’t work for me. You know?”

No. We don’t know. And likely, neither do you. Because like even the best of us, you’ve been sucked into the variable black hole of commercial and celebrity lies that is the gluten-free diet. But don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re here to help. To tell it like it is and win you back the respect of your friends and colleagues. Because guess what? It’s not the gluten making you fat. In fact, the one in 100 people who legitimately suffer from Celiac Disease actually lose weight when they eat gluten – on top of it tearing their small intestine to shreds.

So, if you made it to twenty two without suffering from violent diarrhea, mouth ulcers, intestinal damage and bowel issues every time you’ve snuck a cheeky bite of toast, you’re no celiac.  Nor are you the one in 170 people who are gluten sensitive. For gluten is but a protein found in wheat, rye and barley that acts as the glue holding it together and helping give food its shape.

What’s making you fat, boring and bloated are the copious amounts of carbohydrates you’re consuming with gluten-free foods.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? “Gluten-free products don’t have carbs!,” I hear you say. Wrong. Oh so wrong. Almost all gluten-free products have as many carbs as non-gluten-free foods and in the case of the ever-popular rice flour, even more carbs. Because gluten-free and carbs are not the same thing. Cutting gluten out of your diet to lose weight – and if you’re being honest with yourself that’s the only reason you’re doing it – is superfluous. It’s akin to cutting off your hand to run quicker. “But I get like, super bloated and full whenever I eat a bowl of pasta or a loaf of bread.” Eat less. Portion sizes account for the majority of bloating, dummy.

So, with that learned, it’s time to give gluten a second chance. And fall in love with your favourite foods all over again. The way they were meant to be – carcinogenic, loaded with cholesterol and fresh for… months. Because regardless of what GOOP and or pseudo science says, all the proof you need to the secret of living longer is right around the corner, in a bakery. In a loaf of bleached, gluten-infused white bread with more preservatives than Sandra Bullock’s face. For the current rate of life expectancy is higher than ever and it’s all thanks to gluten and those four syllables: pre-serv-a-tives, not just preserving delicious freshness but life, too.

Not convinced? Then riddle yourself this: If a single Big Mac in all its gluten-packed, preservative-stamped glory can last a decade without decaying, then what can regular consumption do for the human lifespan?

You’ve just been common-sensed. You’re welcome.


Gluten, as defined by the dictionary: Proteins found in wheat, rye, barley & triticale that act as the glue that holds food together and gives it its shape.

Celiac disease, as defined by the dictionary: An autoimmune disorder where the small intestine is damaged by the ingestion of gluten, leading to severe bloating, abdominal pain, diarrhoea, mouth ulcers and life-threatening bowel issues.

Gluten-free diets, as defined by common sense: But 1 in 100 people actually suffer from celiac disease and 1 in 170 are gluten sensitive. So if you made it to 22 and don’t suffer from the above symptoms EVERY TIME you eat/drink something containing gluten, you’re good to get back on the cupcake wagon.

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