If I were in love with Tallulah Morton I would get her name tattooed on my bicep so that I could kiss my bicep and whisper ‘I love you so much’ to it whenever Tallulah and I were apart.

I would hold her upside down on dance floors and shake all the change out of her pockets then gather the coins and throw them in a wishing pool and make a wish that we would be together forever. I would decapitate a magpie with a heavy machete and bury its body in the bush as a sacrifice to the Australian Bush Love Gods so that they would bless our heavenly union. I would let her enjoy a come-from-behind, twenty-five-stroke victory at mini golf. I would have her shave the hair on my cheeks. I would cook her an omelette full of parmesan cheese and garnish it with parsley so that the omelette was sharp in flavour but fresh on the palate. I would push her into the sand straight out of the ocean and roll her around until she looked like a chicken schnitzel. I would run my fingers through her hair on long drives up the coast. I would mime cheesy love songs to her with earnest expressions on my face. I would write her secret messages that nobody else would understand in magazines and she would giggle at them whenever she found one. I would tell her she was the most beautiful creature in the world. I would hitch her up real good. I would do all these things if I were in love with Tallulah Morton. Sadly though, I’m in love with someone else. Oh well. -Vaughan Dead




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