Got some more of that good-ass news for ya!
First, though, I want you to dim the lights, put Giazotto and Albinoni’s Adagio in G Minor on the stereo and listen carefully to what I am about to say… We have a newsletter. We send it out three times a week, but it’s not like the other newsletters. We’re not trying to sell you anything. Here’s what you missed from today’s newsletter:
Thank God it’s Friday, am I right? Can’t wait to stay home this weekend and finally catch up on some pacing back and forth in the kitchen and arguing with my menagerie of cereal box puppets. I’m kidding, of course. I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend and a cat that I can talk to. But what about all those single people out there? Self-isolating all alone… Here’s a tip: get some tape and some yarn and make yourself a nice big cereal box puppet menagerie! Give them all names and personalities and arrange them around your home in such a way that you’ll never feel alone or like you’re not being watched. You’re welcome. Have an awesome weekend. x Crom.
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The first thing on today’s Good News list: New York is running out of foster pets. Turns out people are adopting dogs and cats faster than assholes can abandon them, and nowhere is this more evident than in the Big Apple. Muddy Paws Rescue and Best Friends Animal Society are reporting shelters they work with are either completely out or almost completely out of cats and dogs after a 10-fold surge in adoptions in the last two weeks. How amazing is that? And it’s happening everywhere! The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said its Los Angeles office saw a 70% increase in animals going into foster care, and shelters around the globe are reporting the same phenomenon. This really is the best thing to happen to pets. Goddamn, I love this pandemic.
Our mate Chris runs a flower farm and sells to all the markets around Sydney. But the markets are gone now, so he’s inviting anyone and everyone to come grab a free bucket of roses. What an absolute sweet-heart this man is. COVID-19 might be a total drag, but it’s giving us the opportunity to witness humans at their very best. My heart is about to explode.
This is brilliant. Vanity Fair sat U.S. astronaut Chris Hadfield down and had him review a bunch of space movies. ‘Review’ probably isn’t the word they should’ve used. I think ‘barbeque’ is a more accurate description of what Chris does to these flicks. Imagine this guy’s family waiting for him to leave the house so they can watch Ad Astra without the running commentary.
Have you downloaded the Houseparty app yet? It looks pretty good. I guess it’s like zoom only better? I don’t know, but anything that helps you stay in contact with your friends and maintain a healthy social life is a good thing. Houseparty allows up to eight people to virtually hangout at once, but if you don’t know eight people you can just do six or four. If you don’t know anyone, there’s a different app called Bathroom mirror that you can use. Good News! Do you think the guy in the top left is old enough to know he looks like ALF?
Final bit of Good News—We got a letter! Today we got an email from Kiri Malarski, who has a strange dream she’d like interpreted. Kiri writes:
Dear Crom, Thanks for keeping me sane in this CRAZY WEIRD TIME. Loving all your edms. Probably the only ones I’m even bothering to open. Been having heaps of crazy dreams too. Last night I was trying to wedge myself in between two cars that were parked so close together you couldn’t even open the doors. Thoughts? Have a goddamn amazing weekend
Thanks for the kind words, Kiri! Wow. So, you dreamt you were trying to wedge yourself in between two cars… Trapped by your own hand in a cold and unforgiving environment… Sounds like you need to stop sabotaging yourself in real life. You gotta believe in yourself, sister! There’s only one Kiri Malarski, and while that does sound like a fake name you’d give the police in a panic, you gotta set Kiri Malarski free so she can soar like the beautiful goddamn bird she is! You’re welcome. Do you have a dream you’d like me to glean meaning from? Hit me up: email@example.com and have a great weekend. x Crom