These days, celebrities think they can do it all.
While you get a few musicians who give acting a crack, the majority end up embarrassing themselves in low-budget flicks nobody sees. The same goes for actors and actresses who believe being a star on camera will translate into a successful career as a musician. There have been many examples of Hollywood stars releasing albums to terrible reviews and attempting to tour the globe off the back of the horrible noise they call music. To prove film stars should stick to acting, here are six celebrity bands that suuuuck.
30 Odd Foot Of Grunts (Russell Crowe) – Russell Crowe is a knucklehead, but boy can he act. Unfortunately, though, he wasn’t blessed with any musical talent, as evidenced by his work with rock band 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts. Taking centre stage as lead vocalist and guitarist, Crowe warbles his way through country meets blues-rock compositions that sound like a Hootie & The Blowfish cover band fronted by Live’s Ed Kowalczyk. This is noise pollution at its most potent, and the band’s cover of Johnny Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison Blues‘ is a dagger to the heart of Cash’s legacy.
The Bacon Brothers (Kevin Bacon) – As an actor, Kevin Bacon has starred in some of the most important films in cinematic history (Footloose, Tremors, Mystic River), but as a musician, he’s really letting the team down. Collaborating with brother Michael under the unimaginative moniker The Bacon Brothers, Bacon has released seven albums over a career spanning an incredible—wait for it—25 years. Described as folk-rock and country, The Bacon Brothers will quickly put you to sleep with their uninspired tunes and Kevin’s lacklustre vocals. Please stick to acting Kev.
Wicked Wisdow (Jada Pinkett Smith) – Most people are probably unaware Jada Pinkett Smith embarked on a music career in the early 00s, and it’s probably for the best. Her band Wicked Wisdow was a heavy rock outfit incorporating nu-metal elements that sucked big time. Listening back to their self-titled debut it’s easy to hear why Wicked Wisdow’s biggest claim to fame—supporting Britney Spears—had nothing to do with their music.
30 Seconds To Mars (Jared Leto) – Fuck Jared Leto. Somehow the Academy Award-winning actor has managed to not only find success as a movie heartthrob, but also as the vocalist for one of the (inexplicably) biggest bands on the planet: 30 Seconds To Mars. While you might reasonably interpret my vitriol for Leto as jealousy, it’s more to do with 30 Seconds being a shit emo-turned-stadium rock band and Leto personifying the ‘pretentious frontman’ with his rock star good looks, terrible fashion sense and wanky lyrics. That said, I do think ‘The Kill’ is a good song, but everything else from this band makes my ears bleed.
Dogstar (Keanu Reeves) – We are currently in the midst of a Keanu renaissance and the John Wick star once again the talk of the town. Hopefully, Keanu’s rejuvenated fame won’t tempt him to resurrect his terrible band, Dogstar. Not only did that group have a horrible name, but churning out unremarkable alternative rock and Keanu isn’t much of a bass player… Thankfully, the Point Break star decided to pull the plug on the band in 2002 and concentrate on his acting career—something I doubt he regrets.
The Pretty Reckless (Taylor Mormsen) – Making a name for herself as Jenny Humphrey on hit teen drama Gossip Girl, Taylor Mormsen used her newfound fame to kick-start her music career. The Pretty Reckless is a female-fronted rock act with little imagination or originality. They sound like any number of Paramore rip-off acts and offer little in the way of exciting music. Three albums in, and with a fourth on the way, The Pretty Reckless are similar to 30 Seconds To Mars in that they have commercial appeal and a large following despite churning out trash music.