I’ve never been proposed to.
Some might say that means I have no right to judge other people’s marriage proposals. But I disagree—especially if said proposal involves a flashmob, electric shock, a police hoax, or a fake fatal injury. Seems fair, no? Anyway, if you find yourself sans partner this Valentine’s Day (or any other day, for that matter), and you’re down in the dumps about it, don’t be. This is what you are missing.
What kind of a drongo pops the question on a surface with multiple cracks in it? If you’re already a Fumbling Fred, why flirt with fate on a day you know you’re going to be particularly shaky? There’s nothing wrong with being nervous asking what is arguably one of the most important questions of your life, but there is something wrong with thinking a bridge made of wooden slats above a deep pond is the place to ask it. Anyway, here’s to hoping old Fumbling Fred didn’t put down more than two month’s salary on the engagement ring, or if he did, that he was only earning minimum wage.
In the eight years since Isaac Lamb uploaded his hive-inducing ‘live-dub flashmob proposal’, it has been watched close to 34 million times. What surprises me even more than the fact he was able to convince upwards of 30 friends to participate in this Ned- Flanders-level-dorkery is the fact that he had 30 friends to begin with. Also, wouldn’t you find it alarming if the song your future husband used to convey his feelings used the phrase ‘I think’ before ‘I wanna marry you’? wouldn’t you want him to be, like, sure? No one expects you to sit through six minutes of this video, but if you’re feeling particularly lonely, fast forward to the final minute or so when Isaac takes drops to one knee backed by a sea of beaming born agains donning spirit fingers. Instant cure.
A few years ago, my mum coined the phrase ‘Planet Man’. Essentially, it’s a funny term for a man’s brain, a sort of alternate universe where they spend all of their time. It’s also the only place other than Vegas where bad ideas are considered brilliant. This paramedic’s proposal is classic Planet Man—I can literally see my mum shaking her head in bewilderment. Here we have a full grown adult male who works as a paramedic colluding with his EMT coworkers to wheel him in to the hospital his girlfriend works at on a stretcher. Seemingly near death and covered in a blanket, said full grown adult male then proceeds to declare his love to his now hysterical girlfriend in what she must perceive as his final words. Alas, up pops full grown adult male, perfectly healthy and dressed in a formal black suit. Armed with a bunch of red roses and ring, he asks his wailing woman to be his bride. Nope, zero red flags here.
Nothing says I love you quite like electrocution. Back in 2015, a man decided to pop the question in the middle of Seattle’s Tough Mudder obstacle course. The perfect place? Under a sea of live electrical wires, obviously. Covered in mud, sweat and tears, the unsuspecting bride to be attempts to make a run for it amidst the painful zaps, but the last thing on her proposer’s mind is safety. There, together, under a fizzing fury of high voltage death bolts, they confirm their commitment to one another for life. If only she had known then what she surely knows now—that the greatest shock of all was yet to come.
Here we are at yet another flashmob proposal. This one actually seems even harder to forgive, seeing as it took place mid-2018, well beyond the initial cringe craze. The question as to why this masked madman decided hundreds of innocent Londoners had to bear witness to his heinous dance crimes remains unanswered. As too does the reason his public cry for attention had to push the seven minute mark. If you’re ever thinking of proposing to me and you’re reading this, fist pump your way through Bruno Mars in a public arena before asking me to spend the rest of my life with you and see what happens. Spoiler: I will spend the rest of my life with someone else.
Ah, planet man strikes again. Here we have a young chap convincing his young girlfriend that their light aircraft is experiencing engine failure and that they are slowly but surely falling to their untimely deaths. But wait! Surprise! The only thing his girl’s going to be burying today is her dignity for saying yes.
Ever wanted to set the Black Lives Matter movement back five years whilst simultaneously solidifying your future? Press play, take notes.
Really starting to sense a theme here with the whole ‘fake serious injury or death to scare the shit out of my partner, then ask them to make a serious decision whilst still in a complete state of shock’ thing. Here, we have a slew of dirtbags—sorry, dirtbikes—participating in a sham motocross event that seemingly ends in disaster. Actually, not seemingly. Literally either way you look at this, the outcome is a disaster.