Monster Children

Pimp my Love Letter.
Posted By Jason – 11.07.2012

It's not easy to write a good love letter. I’m great at it, but you only have to check out romanceforeveryone.com to know that most dudes are totally hopeless: 'My heart quivers when you touch my face. My passion flows when you touch my lips.' That drivel is taken from an actual letter; someone really wrote that. How did we manage to keep the human race going all these years with that kinda crud? It’s pathetic.

The secret to writing a good love letter is originality. The woman you love is special, no? Then why would you write her a trite-ass piece of bollocks for a love letter? Give her something that tells her how YOU feel, not how the wankers at Hallmark say you feel. Get creative! Don’t be afraid to experiment with metaphor! Be uninhibited! Girls love it when you’re able to express yourself and your longings; there’s no reason to hold back. Just get it on paper, spritz it with Fahrenheit, and then put that shit in the mail, you big softy!

To assist you in writing a half decent love letter, I’ve taken an existing stock love letter from the website I mentioned earlier, and I’ve Pimped that thing so hard I think I may have ripped the webbing. Ya’ll can thank me later when you’re getting the chrome sucked off your tow ball. Let’s get pimpin’!

Dear Tammy,

I want you to know that since the day we met I've fallen deeply in love with you. You are my life, my heart, my soul. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today. Come Friday, who knows? Maybe I’ll hate your guts. But right now I’m digging you big time.

Loving you is the only thing that makes life worth living. Day by day, my love for you becomes overwhelming. Sometimes I think I’m going to barf; that’s how I know it’s real. A day without you in my life is like a day without sunshine, a day without food, or a day without air. Let me spell it out for you: it sucks to the max. I need you in my life, girl. When we’re together I feel like I’ve been abusing solvents. You make me feel wonderful. And every moment spent together is another one of my dreams coming true. Like that day we went to the park and read books? I totally dreamt that. Or that other time when we had spaghetti? I dreamt that too. I hope the dream where I get chased by a giant comb doesn’t come true, because that would totally suck to the max.
I apologize straight from the heart for our pointless arguments. I know I overreact a lot, and I'm sorry. Sometimes, though…sometimes you just make me so mad. Sometimes when you’re asleep–and I’m still mad about some shit we had a fight about that day–I think about super-gluing your stupid little monkey hands to your stupid little faggot-monkey face, just to teach you a lesson. And you know that dress you really like? The one that went missing? I burnt it. I burnt it up on the Weber I gave you for your birthday. I’m sorry, baby, you just make me so mad sometimes. I promise you that this is all going to change because I love you.

I was scared to love you at first, out of fear that you would hurt me, but I did love you, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Now, the only fear I have is waking up and realizing it’s all a dream. Or, worse yet, waking up with chicken legs instead of normal ones, that would suck to the max. 
You are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, Tammy-tits. Each moment that you and I spend together is so magical that I catch myself smiling for no reason at all. I thought that I would never find a love that is as strong as ours– a love stronger than my love of sniffing nail polish remover–but now that we've found each other I know that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person I want to marry, the person I want to have babies with, and the person I want to grow bored of and eventually resent. Baby, you complete me. You make my life so amazing and I don't know how else to repay you except to give you this Duane Reade gift card valued at twenty-dollars. I am so thankful for what we have, and for everything we will have when your unfair dismissal check from Dairy Queen clears. You are the only chick I ever want to share my life with. I could never imagine what it would be like if we were to lose each other. I don't even want to think about it. All I want to think of is you. Sometimes I think of your little sister, but that’s only because she reminds me you, except skinnier. You are the love of my life, baby. I love you, and I always will until the day I don’t. I’m crazy about you, baby, to the max.

Love always, 
Alphonse.