Monster Children

I’m a Great Boyfriend and So Can You!
Posted By Jason – 26.01.2012

It took me nigh on twenty years but I’ve finally figured out how to be a good boyfriend. I’ve never been a “bad boyfriend” per se, but until now I was never really a great one.  Suddenly, though, I find that I am a fantastic boyfriend, and you can be just as awesome if you follow my 10 Good Boyfriend Commandments.

1. Notice if her hair changes. If you only adhere to one of the rules I’ve listed here, make it this one. I cannot stress enough the importance of noticing her hair. Even if you only have a vague suspicion that she’s done something new to her mop – trimmed two millimeters from her bangs, for instance – mention it. A dude could get ‘Yahtzee!’ shaved into his scalp and if his girl didn't notice, he’d be okay. Chicks, however, see a guy's failure to notice even the slightest coiffure modification as a crack in the romantic substructure, and they’ll worry that crack until it genuinely exists. “Wow! I like your hair today. What did you do?” These ten words will save you from so, so much misery. 

2. Tell her she looks good. Duh, I know. But you’d be surprised how many guys overlook this in favor of just thinking it to themselves. If you hear your brain mumble, “Damn, Kylie’s bum looks awesome in those jeans,” you should get your mouth to pass that information on. However, if your brain says, “I could seriously smash Kylie’s ass to pieces with my pork-sword today,” keep it to yourself…unless you’ve got a girlfriend who likes that kind of talk, you lucky bastard.

3. Flowers. You’ll feel like a top-shelf Gaylord walking down the street with a bunch of flowers, but chicks are crazy about them– even the ones who say they aren’t. I never used to buy flowers for girlfriends because I assumed that it was the most obvious, clichéd gesture imaginable and they simply wouldn’t appreciate it. I was wrong. They really, really appreciate it. And don’t just buy flowers on Valentine’s Day either; get them on random days, any day, Monday, it doesn’t matter. Just go get some flowers and watch her swoon.

4. Poetry. Poetry is another cornball effort, but, again, girls love that stuff. When you write a poem for your ol’ lady, you want to reference the elements: the moon, the stars, the sun, the sea, etc,. And you want to make it sound like you’re in pain. I wrote a poem for a girl once when I was sixteen and I could practically hear her Bartholin’s glands percolating while she read it. Don’t worry if your poem sucks gorilla’s balls, she’ll still like it because you went out on a limb to show your feelings, you big, sensitive bugger.

5. Kissing at the lights. You’re walking down the street with your chick and then you come to a red light at an intersection. Don’t just stand there – give her a kiss on the cheek! Girls love random acts of affection, particularly when performed in public and without a sexual agenda. Give her a peck and a smile and then cross the street. Christ, I’m good at this.

6. Photos of cute animals hugging. This one works a charm on my bird. Yesterday I found a picture of a squirrel trying to hump a kitten and I sent it to her with the subject heading, “This is us!” Now I’ve got a BJ in the mail. If you’re clever about it, you can literally trade cute animal photos for sex, that’s all I’m saying.

7. Food. Cook that bitch something every now and again. She’ll repay you in spades, or, if you’re lucky, rusty trombones.

8. Flatulence. If you can help it, don’t fart. You know when you’re watching a movie or whatever and she lets one slip? How gross is that? Now imagine how bad your farts are to her, you big Yeti! No one wants to snuggle with a stink bomb, so lay off the curried eggs and enjoy a fruitful romance. If you absolutely have to fart, leave the room, do it in the bathroom or out in the hall. The thing is, if you open the fart-floodgates, she’ll be dealing you Dutch-ovens within a week. Believe me, she’s just waiting for you to give her the green light so she can start dropping them like Axle Rose on a three-day cauliflower binge.

9. Masturbation. I can think of nothing better than walking in on my significant other while she’s rubbing one out. Just the thought of her having a crack at herself gives me the tingles. Oddly enough, girls don’t feel the same way about us having a wank; they think it’s creepy. In many ways women view us as dirty monkeys who can’t keep their grubby paws out of their diapers. So don’t let her see you wringing out your spuds, because she won’t like it. She knows you do it, but for whatever weird, uptight, puritanical reason, she doesn’t want to witness it. Go figure.

10. Listen. My god, this is the most difficult lesson to learn. They talk so much, don’t they? It’s insane. I love the sound of my girlfriend’s voice; it’s like a little bell. But sometimes she’ll be talking and that’s all I’ll hear: a sweet little bell tinkling away. Next thing you know I’m in trouble because I have no idea when Michelle from the office changed dentists, or why Aunty Hillary’s cat had a hysterectomy. “You never listen!” She says, and the worst thing you can do in this situation is accuse her of being equally inattentive. She is attentive, my friend, preternaturally so. She remembers your mother’s birthday, she remembers that thing you said when you were drunk, and she remembers how many burritos you had in 2003; don’t fuck with her.

Okay, that’s it. If you can remember all this stuff – and learn how to eat her pussy without the hands coming down to yank you out – you’ll be the best boyfriend she ever had, and that’ll almost certainly make her the best girlfriend you ever had.

You're welcome.