New White Box Boutique Site

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:26:43 +1100

I have been working on the new White Box site the past few weeks. We completely changed the back end system. I looked at the same spread sheet and images for a what seemed like forever; it has been really good times. It's now up and running and the good times have come to an end. Scroll and click your life away here.

Luminarie De Cagna

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:31:33 +1100

The Luminarie De Cagna is an imposing cathedral-like structure that was recently on display at the 2012 Light Festival in Ghent, Belgium. The festival was host to almost 30 exhibitions including plenty of 3D projection mapping, fields of luminous flowers, and a glowing phone booth aquarium, however with 55,000 LEDs and towering 28 meters high the Luminarie De Cagna seems to have stolen the show.

VIC NIKE SBA AM SERIES QUALIFIER THIS SATURDAY

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:17:46 +1100

Like rolling around on those wooden things with wheels, live in Victoria. Well then ... Head along to the Victorian leg of the 2012 Nike SbA Am Series.

Win Saturdays Surf NYC gear

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:07:00 +1100

They're good lads those Saturdays Surf NYC boys, they even sell our mag. We spent a bit of time drinking their coffee and hanging on their stoop last year, so it's good to see they have got their distribution sorted for Oz with their wears being found in Incu stores. Incu has given us three clothing packs to giveaway to our readers. Email monster@monsterchildren.com with the answer to this question. How many strip clubs are there on the lower half of Manhattan, south of the start of Central Park? It's over 10 but less than 40.

Girl of the day

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:17:45 +1100

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

The Gravedigger's Song

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:13:53 +1100

Zawada in Paris

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:38:40 +1100

Big Jonathan Zawadas show is up at Colette right now. Brett Stewart would be so proud. See more from the show here

7 Tips for Aspiring Writers

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 07:11:14 +1100

Because the response to “I’m a Good Boyfriend & So Can You” was so positive, I’ve decided to republish my “7 Tips for Aspiring Writers”. Yes, Pancho, I’m recycling. But this malarkey was first published at wooooomag.com, which means only about twelve people read it. Now why should a single dozen people benefit from these invaluable words of advice and go on to literary fame and fortune? That’s not fair, is it? So here it is again. You can thank me when your novel gets published.

“Good writers write. They don’t always write well, but they must write!” I read that today while researching good writing habits on the Internet. There’re a gazillion essays, blog posts and books offering advice on how to be successful with your writing, but they all seem to say the same thing: You must write! Well, duh. If you’re a plumber you must plumb! A baker? He must bake! That’s a glaringly obvious fact, not a system of guidelines. The problem is, writers are cagey fuckers that guard their disciplines almost as jealously as they hide their ideas. If they know anything about writing, they know to keep their mouth shut. I know; I’m a writer. I write because I must.

I’ve met with writers in the past, writers I read and respect, and no amount of groveling could squeeze even the smallest nugget of wisdom out of them. They just recommended that I write. So I did write, and now, with somewhere in the vicinity of 200 interviews and at least 5 actual published pieces of prose under my belt, I offer you, fledgling scribe, my top seven tips on how to write and write well. Let the pontification begin.

Tip 1. Don’t write unless you are being paid to write.

Why would anyone sit down at their desk and bruise their fingertips for free? If you are going to write, make sure you are being paid to write. Don’t even write in a diary unless you’ve negotiated an equitable fee with yourself. I think we all did enough complimentary penmanship at school, don’t you? Are you still at school or are you a big grown up who writes for a job? Practice? Practice is for the ungifted. Don’t put down a single letter until you know you’ll be remunerated for your efforts. Writing is work, not charity.

Tip 2. Drink.

All the great writers drank like fish: Ernest Hemmingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ethan Hawke, etc. There’s no point trying to write a single word sober, you’ll only disappoint yourself and your family. Start the workday with a six-pack, and then work your way up to a bottle of Johnny Walker Black; that’s when the magic happens.

Tip 3. Dispose of Sexual Tension.

Nothing slows down the creative process faster than built up sexual tension. The average male thinks about sex once every 15 seconds, so how is the Great American Novel going to flow through his finger tips when boobs and blowjobs are constantly swirling in his mind? I suggest that the novice writer masturbate before he even opens his first beer of the day. It’s the only way to ensure the single-mindedness needed to practice the great craft of writing. In fact, the more sexual tension you can rid your mind and body of the better. Stephen King himself recommends 5-6 wank breaks per day, and he wrote Pet Cemetery. PET CEMETARY!

Tip 4. Lie about your progress.

Always exaggerate when discussing your progress as a writer. If you have no projects on the go, say you had dinner with Graydon (Carter) at the Waverly last night to discuss future stories. Then say that none of his proposed ideas jumped out at you, so you’ll just wait and see what happens. Under no circumstances should a writer divulge the truth about his pathetic output, ennui, or suicidal thoughts, not even to other writers. Telling other writers about your troubles is like leaping into shark-infested waters wearing a suit made of ham. Don’t do it. They’ll only gossip about your shortcomings to make themselves look and feel better. Always, always, always lie about your progress. Even if you won a Pulitzer Prize, say you won three.

Tip 5. Read.

All good writers read because they know that reading will learn them new words and stuff. An osmotic process goes to work when you read: it’s called “learning”. The more you read, the more you learn, and not just about what the girl with dragon tattoo did after she kicked the hornet’s nest (spoiler: she defecated in the oatmeal), but about the function of sentence structure and rhythm and all that egg-headed horse-shit. The second and most important reason you should read is so you can discover other writer’s mistakes and sneer at them. You can’t imagine the joy you’ll experience when you discover Steinbeck used “get” in the same saw-toothed sentence twice. What an idiot!

Tip 6. Don’t eat.

Eating, as we all now, is cheating. Don’t let yourself be distracted by nagging hunger: light a cigarette. Don’t smoke? Have a cigarette. A) It’ll suppress your irksome craving for sustenance, and B) You’ll look cool as shit. Do a Google image search of Charles Bukowski; the guy may have looked like a fat piece of over-done bacon wearing a wig, but he was rarely seen without a cigarette: cool. Now look up Oprah: Pff. Gay.

Tip 7. Don’t bother with rewrites.

You’ve written it. It’s there on the page, see? Job done. Now why in the name of heck would you do it again? To make it better? Don’t be stupid. Ever heard of a little thing called, “First thought, best thought”? I think it was Kerouac who said that, and he knew that no one was going to re-skin his bongo drums for him while he “re-wrote” some shit he already wrote. Rewrite! Fucking hell! You may as well “re-read” something while you’re at it. Why not “re-eat” your lunch, too? Stupid. Just look at this thing you just read- I wrote it once and then walked away; I didn’t even read it! I just finished, stood up, kicked my chair over and walked away. Done.

Skin

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:50:09 +1100

Skin is a documentary by Ryan Hope focusing on the examination of tattoo culture as high art. The L.A straight edge guy is painful to listen to, but I do appreciate Mr. Hirst's dedication to the contemporaty, conceptual vagina tattoo as opposed to ole mate's back piece. (Thanks Brendan Woithe).

Monster Children

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