People are always coming up to me and saying, ‘Brother, how can I get a big set of bags under my eyes like those ones you’ve got? They are so fresh.’ And you know what I tell them? I tell them, hey. It’s hard work.
Cultivating a pair of sad, droopy, puff-sacks under your baby blues ain’t easy. First you’ve got to want them. But merely saying you want them isn’t enough; you have to work for them, and this is my 7-step method to achieving them.
Sleep- This is the most obvious first step on the road to getting, at the very least, a couple of nice, dark rings going. When I first started out I’d make sure I was in bed by 3am and I’d set my alarm for 3:15am; then I’d get up and start shotgunning Redbull. Some people–doctors mainly–will tell you this is bad for both your central nervous system and your psychological well being, but have a look at those chumps; do they have bags? No. And there’s no cure for envy.
Diet- For a start, stay away from cucumbers; you’ll only be tempted to put them over your eyes, thereby undoing all your hard-earned bag work. Same goes for tea bags. Cucumbers and tea bags are a no-no. In fact anything that grew out of the ground will be detrimental to sag and swellage. I recommend eating candy and lots of it. War Heads, Sour Patch Kids, PEZ, PEZ, Skittles, and more PEZ. Wash that shit down with Dr. Pepper, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Stress- I can’t overstress the importance of stress. Look at John Hurt; you think he got those two deflated scrotums by meditating and drinking wheat grass? Hell no. He worried himself sick to get that look. Grab a pen and paper and write a list of all the things you’re anxious about: bills, deadlines, do I have cancer of the dick, etc.… then read the list every hour or so and remind yourself how terrible life is. You’ll have the kind of bags you could hide pennies under in no time.
Masturbation- Jerking off will not put bags under your eyes per se, but if you do it often enough it will suck your eyes back into your head and give you dark circles that are guaranteed to stop traffic. Dark circles are the foundation for a good set of bags, so start throttling The Sarge.
Hang out with some really sick kids- Getting emotionally attached to terminally ill children is the best way to make yourself utterly despondent–they just keep dying! You’ll be misreable. And, as we all know, misery is to baggy eyes what cake is to fat bastards.
Cry- Every chance you get to have a cry–have a cry. Got nothing to cry about? Watch Who Will Love My Children? or The Elephant Man or that movie where Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi are retarded aaand in love.
The Three Ws- Weep, worry, wank. If you can practice these three techniques all at once, look-out-world. You’ll have a head like an old fucking candle in no time. Good luck.