Ten Things I Hate with Mikey DeTemple


Photos by Zak Bush.

Zak went over to have a chat with his buddy, Mikey DeTemple, who’s a New York-based professional surfer and filmmaker, about what makes him miserable. How hard could it be to draw hate out of a someone whose profession relies on steady waves in a place where there are none?

You have to tell me ten things that you hate.

I hate so much stuff; it’s so hard to pick ten things. My list would be probably better if it was like twenty things. Oh you’re recording already. You sneaky fucker.

Well we’ll do twenty and then we’ll edit it down.

We’ll just pick the best ten?

Yeah, we’ll pick the best ten of your twenty.

I could stay here all night and come up with things that I hate.

It’s actually hilarious cause we’re going to send this to Paige and she’s actually going to listen to it.

Hi Paige.

Hi Paige. When are you coming back? I actually still need a roommate by the way … Okay let’s just get started.

I’ll start off with a surfing one–an east-coast relevant one. I hate when the wind forecast is wrong. You know? When it says it’s going to be straight off-shore and it’s straight side-shore.

Yeah. That happens a lot.

It happens all the time. It makes surfing useless.

Well that’s a good starting point. You could pretty much do ten things about east-coast surfing. Easily.

We could just do ten things that I hate about surfing in New York. I hate it when the tide is high and the waves aren’t breaking because it’s one foot all the time.

Yeah. That’s a problem here. You can hate that there haven’t been waves for seven or eight days. I haven’t surfed in three weeks.

I hate that there haven’t been waves since March.

That’s a good hate.

You know that we live in a place, as surfers, that doesn’t have waves?

I know. That’s funny.

I hate New York.

But you’d also probably put it on a list of things that you loved.

You have to have it on both. I hate leaving New York. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to leave.

That’s fucking weird.

There’s just no place I’d rather be … I hate when people don’t advertise on Airbnb that their places just don’t have heat.

Yeah, that’s a good one.

Uhh. This is hard. Oh! I got one. I hate when Tin [Ojeda] says, “I haaaaaate that.” He does this thing when he hates something and it’s the most annoying sound you ever heard.

Does he do it on purpose?

I don’t know.

Okay. Let’s go out into the realm of the regular world. It doesn’t have to be about surfing.

I really hate traffic. I cannot stand. There is always traffic in New York no matter what. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like California where you say, “Oh I can’t drive between four and eight.” It doesn’t matter; you can leave somewhere at four in the morning and it’s bumper-to-bumper traffic.

It’s ridiculous. Oh my god, you get so fucking road-ragey.

I do?

Yeah, you always tailgate people.

I don’t know why but I’m like the true New York asshole driver. I drive like a fucking cab driver.

You’re an aggressive driver when someone’s doing something stupid.

Just happens that most people are doing something stupid … I hate the price of food in Montauk.

Yeah that’s been difficult for me, but it’s okay. I’m somehow making it. I go out to dinner in Montauk and it’s like seventy bucks and I’m like, “Guhhhhhh.”

And you got absolutely nothing. Maybe some fries. God. I’m gonna go back to driving.

Go back to driving; it’s all right.

God, I hate parking in New York. I hate owning a car in New York. That’s what it is. It’s not the parking. Don’t say that, Paige. I hate owning a car here.

What? When you have to spend twenty minutes finding a parking spot? But think about how good it feels when you think you’re gonna have to drive around for twenty minutes and you find one right away.

Yeah.

That’s a really good feeling actually.

The best feeling is when you call 311 and they say, “Alternate side parking is suspended.” You’re like, “What! How can you do that? That’s free parking anywhere.”

Paige has a lot to listen to right now.

Right now she’s like, “Can you fucking get this over with?” That’s what’s probably going through her head right now … I hate shooting films or anything on actual film.

Why do you hate that? It looks so much better.

Does it though?

Yeah.

16mm? I think it looks way better.

Lisa, Mikey’s fiancé: I thought you were so into it like a year ago.

You just waste so much money on it! It’s just so expensive and so you undershoot everything. Then you have this tendency to not shoot anything. You miss all the great stuff that just happens organically. Unless if you have like a $300,000 budget. Then by all means, shoot it on film.

Lisa: You know you’re a hipster, right?

Lisa. I’m not a hipster … I hate when my fiancé, Lisa calls me out.

Okay now you just need one more. It’s gonna be hard.

Remember when I said that I could nail off forty in like ten seconds?

Yeah.

That didn’t happen.

I feel like it’s hard because you hate on stuff all the time but it’s just like in the moment. Like, “Fuck. I hate when someone doesn’t do the dishes.” You’re like, “Fuck. I hate that a homeless person shat on my doorstep.” Then you’re on the subway and you’re like, “Fuck I hate that the train’s coming and I don’t have my card out yet.”

I just hate that it smells like piss. How come it’s the only mass transit station in the entire world that always smells like piss?

It stinks.

There are so many clean places all over Europe, all over Asia. They’re like the cleanest things. New York is disgusting.

It is.

I hate dings in surfboards. That’s my last one.

Yeah dings in surfboards are really lame.

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