10 Things I Hate About Flipping Burgers


Photo by Sam Brumby

Mikey’s the kind of guy you want around.

Firstly, ’cause he cooks a mean burger. Not in a hobby kind of way either, he actually flips burgers for a living as part of his catering business. That was after his rather dismal ventures into wedding planning (bombed miserably) and ad sales (laughable). But we digress. The second reason you want him around is because he’s flipped burgers for some of the biggest wigs in the entertainment industry, which has given him more dirt than a farmer’s gumboot, and he’s got no qualms about calling out the dickheads. Not the kind of person you want to piss off. And boy, does Mikey get pissed off. Behind that boyish smile lies a wealth of hate, which he’s kept inside until now. Someone call Mikey’s mum ’cause he’s flipping out on the floor of the frozen food aisle and he won’t be calmed down.

1. G.F. people who aren’t actually gluten intolerant. Your gluten allergy is fake and I hate you.

2. That my Year 10 career advisor was right when he said I would be flipping burgers through my 20s. I should have paid more attention in school.

3. Self-proclaimed “burger bloggers” who think people give a shit about the disgusting burger they have created with 40 patties. We get it! You are a BIG fat pig. Leave the photos of your gross burger at home.

4. When you are catering a festival in pissing down rain and making burgers for a band that rhymes with Dufus. Then they don’t eat them because they think they are Van Halen and want pizza all of a sudden. EDM sucks, too!

5. Food bloggers who think they are entitled to a free meal with me because they have Instagram followers (which they probably bought). Get a real job, dickhead.

6. People who try and “make their own” with every item on the menu. This is so annoying when you are really busy or catering a large scale event. Just take the tomato off if you don’t like it. It won’t kill you.

7. Feeling like I’ve bathed in oil after a big day of working.

8. When the menu clearly states the price, choices, and type of service, yet a person still comes up and asks what I am serving, how much, and other menu questions. IT’S WRITTEN IN BIG BOLD LETTERS. Read it next time.

9. People who question the price for a $10 burger? I’m sorry if this is a big investment for you, but I need to cover my costs as well. Go buy some crackers from Coles next time, you tight arse. This same customer is the one making outlandish requests that can’t be satisfied.

10. People who don’t say please or thank you. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?

Want more? Go buy #55 of Monster Children then, you tight arse.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter