When you reach a certain level of famous, you can ask for whatever you want, and someone will go get it for you.
There is no better example of this than a performer’s tour rider. Take, for example, Van Halen’s 1982 tour demands, when they infamously requested a bowl of M&M’s with all the ‘brown ones’ removed. Another fine example is Deadmau5’s request of ‘1 large inflatable animal, inflated and at least 5’ tall’ in a rider that was leaked. Slayer too made some pretty awesome requests on their 2011 Fun Fun Fest rider, when they asked for ‘100 snow-white goats for slaughter’, and a hummus and sprouts platter ‘in pentagram form’. But the best rider of all is Iggy Pop’s, which he wrote himself and is as hilarious as it is detailed.
Iggy released the ’06 rider himself via his website, and it’s divided into 7 different parts, or 8, if you count the final page which is a pitch for a reality TV Show called Dead Dog Island. Here’s the best two pages, followed, of course, by the pitch, which I can’t believe hasn’t been picked up by now.
Dressing Room One for Iggy Pop
You know what would be really nice? If you could make this room look less like a typical rock & roll dressing room and more sort of…. Interesting? Are you with me? Just let someone loose with a little bit of artistic flair… Er, do you know any homosexuals? And am I allowed to say that? Probably not.
It should contain:
- A kettle or water heating device of some description.
- Some fresh ginger, honey, lemons, and a sharp knife. So we can make ginger, honey and lemon tea. God knows why.
- And some Chinese gunpowder tea. So we can attempt to blow up the dressing room. That’s a joke by the way. Good thing this isn’t an airport…
- An English language newspaper like the New York Times or the Miami Herald. Or the Guardian (my personal favourite).
- Or a copy of USA Today that’s got a story about morbidly obese people in it. Most amusing!
- Somebody dressed as Bob Hope doing fantastic Bob Hope impersonations and telling all those hilarious Bob Hope jokes about golf and Hollywood and Bing Crosby. Oh God, I wish I’d been alive in those days, so that Bob Hope could have come and entertained me in some World War 2 hell-hole before I went off and got shot. What joy they must have experienced…
- Seven dwarves, dressed up as those dwarves out of that marvellous Walt Disney film about the woman who goes to sleep for a hundred years after biting a poisoned dwarf, or maybe after pricking her finger on a rather sharp apple… or something. What was the name of that film? Was it Cinderella? Taller people are acceptable, of course. It’s attitude, more than height, that’s important here. Don’t forget the pointy hats!
- A big bucket of ice, or a refrigerator, containing:
- 2 litres good quality still mineral water. I think it should originate in the country we are in.
- 6 bottles of Grolsch or decent local beer.
- 10 16oz plastic cups and 4 glass wine glasses
- a corkscrew to open wine bottles
- 2 bottles of smooth, full-bodied, Bordeaux-type red wine. Probably French. And something we’ve heard of, but still can’t pronounce. Look, there’s fucking loads of good red wines. Ask the man in the wine shop. Or here’s a number of suggestions:
1st choice – a Medoc, St. Emilion, Pamerol, or Pauillac, years ’86, ’89, ’90
2nd choice – a Barolo or Barbaresco ’89 or ’90
- 4 large, clean towels.See? Not all that bad, is it?
Dressing Room Two for The Stooges
- 3 cases x 12oz bottles of still mineral water. Good quality. Doesn’t have to be French, though.
- 3 large bottles of good quality sparkling water. Again, un-French is good. Unless we are in France, in which case – What a marvellous country.
- 1 x case of big bottles of good, premium beer. You decide. But remember, I might ask you to taste a bottle, so buy something nice!! Here’s a clue – it’s probably won’t start with a letter “B” and end with “udweiser”.
- 6 cans of Red Bull or similar. Something with testicles in it. Or testicles lite.
- 6 bottles of alcohol-free beer. The saxophonist likes to mix it with his whisky. And vodka. And other beer, probably. Is that classed as having a bit of a drink problem, having to pretend to be drinking, even when you aren’t?
- A bottle of vodka decent stuff, please. Not made in bloody England. Some people seem to enjoy that Ketel One vodka from Holland. Our sound man, however, says it’s piss. And he could give the saxophonist a run for his money, not to mention alcohol. No accounting for taste, though, so a bottle of Ketel One, or failing that, Grey Goose. (Down in one, so to speak, haha). I don’t know – do they make alcohol free vodka? In Denmark they have one called Spunk, which tastes of liquorice!! How we laughed. It’s not alcohol-free though. Charm free, yes…
- 1 case of coke in cans. Well I think it’s disgusting stuff . Like McDonalds predigested sandwiches. Do you know, if I had to choose between a McDonalds with coke, and having my tongue ripped out and placed inside my own colon, I’d probably be licking my own arse right now…
- 1 case of cans of assorted sodas. Ginger beer? Dandelion & burdock? I don’t know. Lemonade?
- 2 x 48oz bottles of Ocean Spray cranberry juice. (48 oz is American for ‘large”). But no blends please. No orange and cranberry, or cranberry and turkey. Cranberry with even more cranberry is ok.
- 1 x 48 oz bottles of Tropicana orange juice.
- Some Kettle Chips or chips artisanal or hand-made chips or…. Do you know what I mean? Real, old fashioned, proper potato chips. But from a different kettle to the one they made the vodka in.
- Cauliflower & broccoli, cut into individual florets and thrown immediately into the garbage. I fucking hate that.
Nearly finished now. I think I could do with a rest. I’ve been on me feet all day. Really! Somebody stole all the chairs out of the office. Bastards.
- Some crackers. And maybe some dips. Hummus and taramasalata. Today the world, taramasalata. Nuts. Assorted nibbly things.
- A bit of fresh bread, some corn chips, smoked fish, tinned sardines & tinned tuna.
- Lots & lots of clean ice. (Not ice that a polar bear has been standing on, with its big mucky feet. Polar bears are still bears, aren’t they? Not pigs, like the panda.
- And then lots more for after the show. Ice, that is. Forget about the panda.
- Plastic cups, assorted sizes, suitable for hot and cold drinks. At least one sleeve of 16oz solo, and some little ones. Does anyone outside the U.S.of A. understand what this means? I don’t, and I wrote it.
- 18 large bath towels. Not face cloths. Towels. Nice and freshly laundered too.
- A copy of the New York Times. A recent copy, if possible. In fact, today’s would be nice.
Dead Dog Island
By the way, if there are any reality TV executives reading this – hardly likely, I know, but – here is my idea for a reality TV show.
It’s called Dead Dog Island, where a group of contestants/dog lovers are asked what is their favourite breed of dog, then whatever they reply (for example, Poodle or Labrador) they are then presented with a dead dog of that particular breed, which they have to cook in a number of different ways, say about six or seven, and then eat it all up over the course of the next oooh… two weeks or so.
But just to make it a little more difficult and sort of gameshow-y, all the knives are blunt, and they have to wear a pair of those enormous clown trousers, made out of wood or something, so that they can’t quite reach anything. Well only just, anyway.
The first person to completely eat all his (or her) dog and not be thrown off the island by the public for being too pleasant, or maybe unpleasant, wins another live dog of exactly the same breed. And pots of money. And free dog food for life (of the dog).
You can read the entire rider here.