Words by Vaughan Deadly
My finest hour: An A-Z road map to immortality
Watched Spotlight last night. It’s this hectic flick about the Catholic Church systematically covering up child abuse by priests, and the brilliant work of a handful of journalists from the Boston Globe who blew the whole thing open back in 2002. It got me thinking about my own writing. What has it ever accomplished? How has it contributed to society? Have I used my skills to help shape the world in any meaningful way? I’ve been writing professionally for 25 years and honestly, I’ve never come close to doing any of those things. So I made a promise to myself. This year I’m gonna write something that will blow everyone’s minds. It will be a piece of such exquisite excellence that it will reshape the very foundations upon which society exists. It will be lauded across all fields: humanitarian, literary, and philosophaphary, and it will ensure my legacy amongst the greatest writers and thinkers of all-time. But first, I’mma write this A-Z guide to blowing the back outta ya undies, ay. Enjoy.
A – Angry fart
The Incredible Hulk of farts. This monster comes from a raging physical determination to punch out the biggest B-hole explosion possible. And just like when Hulk turns back into mild-mannered Bruce Banner, perpetrators of the angry fart appear oddly startled by their own doing, as if they had no idea they were capable of such violence. But they know. We all know.
B – Bloated fart
An insidious bastard that slowly builds up during extended periods of time that won’t allow you to sneak the fucker out: baptisms, root canals, chatting to a pretty girl on a long bus ride. When you finally get your chance, it’s like letting the air out of monster truck tyres… and takes just as long.
C – Curry fart
Ha! A classic if ever there was one. Let one of these bad boys go under the doona while your lover is sleeping and behold the dry retching, eye rolling, and body convulsing of a soul mid-way through an exorcism.
D – Dog fart
When I was 17 I lived with my uncle Joe and his black kelpie Partisan. Partisan’s evening ritual was to eat a can of Chum then lie in front of the heater, cook up the contents of his guts and then, without ceremony or pomp, release emissions from his dot so toxic they would melt your eyebrows. Worst of all, the little cunt wouldn’t even turn his head when me and Uncle Joe were choking to death on our own tongues.
E – Egg fart
There’s a reason people say things like, “Phwoar, that smells worse than a rotten egg.” It’s because rotten eggs smell like every fart in the world sealed inside a plastic bag that’s been shoved over your head and gaffer taped at the neck. Inescapable.
F – Foo fart (aka shart, follow through, caught behind)
When my kids were little I thought shart was a tad too aggressive a word for their little potty mouths to be spruiking at family gatherings. So I changed it to “foo”, which like Brangelina, is a trendy portmanteau of fart and poo. For years my boys would say, “Dad, I just did a foo in my pants,” whenever I’d let them wash down an ice cream with a can of Tooheys New. And didn’t they think the Foo Fighters was the funniest name for a band ever?
G – Geriatric fart
An involuntary release that usually occurs when walking on stairs or getting into cars.
H – Happy fart
Some farts are natural optimists. They spring from the buttocks and greet the new day like Mary Poppins throwing open the bedroom window of an unloved child. Even the most prudish assholes can’t help but enjoy a happy fluff. Cue knowing smile and cheeky wink here.
I – Internal fart
A little like the bloated fart only without reprieve. IF’s cause agonisingly sharp abdominal pain that makes you wish you just fucking farted, copped whatever abuse was headed your way, and moved on with your life. Note: Every time you internally fart, somewhere in the world a cane toad dies.
J – Joke fart
Speaking of jokes, here’s one I heard in high school. What’s the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
K – Karate fart
Invented by martial arts legend Bruce Lee, this is a fart is so powerful that when performed correctly it can knock someone off their feet from a mere inch away.
L – Long player fart
Like hot air balloons, these motherfuckers are useless and stupid and seem to hang in the air forever. Lars Ulrich may be the world’s biggest fucktard but he was right to be pissed about people burning LPs.
M – Memorable fart
At some point in all our lives all of us will float a totally unforgettable air biscuit. Mine? French Alps, New Year’s Day, 2000. After an all-night bender and a breakfast of salami and blue cheese I birthed a little colon cough that made me cry tears of pure shame.
N – No man’s land fart
Wherein a disgusting bubble of poo gas leaves the anus but never quite makes it through pressed cheeks to freedom and is doomed to be stuck in purgatory until a shower or poo comes along. Once believed the exclusive torment of overweight people, scientists have recently discovered that tiny bubbles no bigger than the head of a pin can be stuck in the buns of skinny people too. Science.
O– Oracle fart
When a fart is so oppressively rancid you begin to hallucinate images from the future.
P – Plane fart
If only Hillary Clinton had promised to have any man, woman, or child who farts on a plane shot to death in their seats by air marshals, Trump would never have won the election and the world wouldn’t be the total fucking mess it is today. Policies make presidents, Hillary!
Q – Quiet fart
Oh you dirty little fiend, slinking out seemingly undetected until that hateful exhaust hits the olfactory bulb, alerting the brain that some fucker has just let a whole fizz of loaf steam into ya beak. Fuck you, quiet fart.
R – Running fart
There’s an odd sense of joy that comes with farting while on the run. It’s the same satisfaction one feels while spitting out a mouthful of watermelon seeds in single file or firing an automatic weapon wearing nothing but undies.
S – Fart Soup
When a fart is so thick you could literally scoop it out of the air with a spoon and fling it at the motherfucker who fluffed it.
T – Toot fart
I’m not talking about the cute little noise associated with the musical fruit, I’m talking about those heinous crimes against the nervous system that go down whenever someone rips into the nose beers then obliviously destroys a room with a hideous gassy coke stoink. Do a fucking shit before you snort that shit homey.
U – Urinal fart
Look, sometimes you gotta fart when you’re pissing at the urinal, I get it, but for the love of all that is sacred can we please do so without the post-climactic groan that comes with it?
V – Vaughan fart
A delicate and inviting lavender dusting, released with a barely audible purr not dissimilar to the sound a kitten makes while having its belly gently stroked with an ostrich feather.
W – Woman fart
For a long while I was convinced women didn’t fart. I thought that when gas came out of their bum holes it was actually fairy mist or peppermint vapour. Shocked was I to learn that women can slip over half a litre of butt fog through the sphinctoids 14 times a day. Ozone killers!
X – X-rated fart
Do you know what an eproctophiliac is? It’s someone who gets a stiffy or a wet beaver at the sound, sight, taste, or thought of flatulence. Famous eproctophiliacs include Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, and six-time Women’s World Surfing Champion Stephanie Gilmore.
Y – Your fart
Blow it out your arsehole for chrissakes.
Z – Zombie Fart
Did you know your body keeps farting after you die? And you thought they smelled bad from the living.