Coffee makes the world go ’round, there’s no doubt about that.
Craig Turner’s not only a barista who rises at the ungodly hour of 4:30 am to have your brown coloured water ready for you at the crack of dawn, he’s also a barista who works in the geographical epicentre of “what-the-fuck-did-you-just-order?” For the safety of Craig’s membership to a local yoga studio, we won’t mention which suburb. But we will say that it’s a place filled with almond milk lattés and bronzed figures who haven’t worn a shirt since the Y2K bug. This alone makes him a hero, and an unappreciated one at that. Conveniently for Craig, the cafe you’ll find him at is owned by his family—making him both unfireable and untameable, all at the same time. And because there’s endless horrors to barista life, we knew we had to find out the ten worst. We need someone sour, surly, and ready to snap at any second… we needed Craig.
1. When acquaintances/my girlfriend come in expecting free coffee. Do I look like a charity? $3.50 thanks.
2. “Can I get a babycino with no chocolate and no marshmallow, and just with almond milk?” I call these depressacinos. Give your kid a break.
3. When people order extra “hot” soy coffees. That stuff burns at 50 degrees, so enjoy your yogurt drink, curdle-face.
4. When people run in and tell me that their bus is coming, wanting me to make their order fast. It’s not my fault you pressed snooze too many times. Get running and I hope you miss it.
5. When people phone their order in who live 50 metres away. I like to act like it’s been really busy and I haven’t gotten around to theirs yet.
6. When you’ve had five coffees yourself and that bodily function thing starts to happen. And someone’s standing there tweaking at you wanting their coffee and you can’t abandon post.
7. Girls in yoga pants who order a skim mocha. Haha, darling, the skim won’t help, we just made it from 30% chocolate.
8. I hate coconut milk. Coconut milk is fucking stupid.
9. When a hipster bloke walks in looking like a scarecrow with a gumnut hat. Stop spending 500 dollars on a ripped tee and an organic baggy brah, you can’t even afford our eggs benny.
10. When someone waits for their coffee practically on my face. Get some boundaries, we don’t live in Tokyo.
11. “Hi Ken!” My name is Craig… cunt.