Beat the Heat

In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of a goddamn heatwave here in Sydney and everything is melting.

It sucks to have a full head of hair today – that’s how hot it is. I keep seeing bald men and thinking, “Why you lucky chrome-dome, bald-as-as-badger, solar-panel-for-a-sex-machine having son of a bitch.” They must be so much cooler with their completely hairless heads that signify to the world that their virility is on the wane. My God it’s hot, but there are some things you can do to beat the heat.

Slurpee Pants

Could anything be better than walking into 7Eleven, positioning yourself under the Slurpee tap, and reaching up for the lever to send an ice-cold stream of Slurpee curling out onto your head like a glittering, frosty turd? Yes. Slurpee pants. Casually waltz into 7Eleven wearing nothing but a pair of fishing waders and load them up with frozen sugar drink while pretending to be on the phone with the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries. When you’re all filled up, grab a handful of straws and make one really long straw so you can drink from your pants as you slosh down the street.

Be Nude In Front Of A Fan

The only thing that beats standing in front of a fan in your birthday suit, is standing between two fans in your birthday suit with the wind on your balls. I don’t know what it’s like for ladies, but on a hot day there is nothing more pleasant than a fan blasting your testicles. And I’m not trying to get a cheap laugh by talking about dicks, I’m just stating the fact that a powerful fan directed right at your sweaty, ever-lengthening, ham-scented ball-bag is paradise. Sure, you could be nude in front of the AC, but then how would you do the robot voice while your nuts sway in the wind? Be nude in front of a fan.

Ice Wand

Bag of frozen peas my arse – what you want is an Ice Wand. Fill a standard condom with enough water so that it holds its shape, then put it in the freezer and wait for it to become nice and hard, at which point unsheathe and begin cooling down by passing it seductively over your bare skin. Some people think that walking down the street and rubbing your body with a glistening ice-cock is inappropriate and sexual, but they’re just jealous. Get extra wind-cool by Ice Wanding yourself on roller skates wearing nothing but a G-string backwards.

Get Drunk

Getting drunk will temporarily fix anything: regret, guilt, unfavourable prognosis, even sweltering heat. If you can make it to the pub without being reduced to a black spot on the pavement, get around there and order a nice cold beer. Ahhh. That’s good, isn’t it? When you’re done, order another one and a bag of BBQ chips. Mmm. That’s good. How about another beer? Yes, I think another beer. What’s that asshole over there looking at? Did he just give you a dirty look? Let’s have another beer. He did give you a dirty look! And there he goes again! What’s this cunt’s problem? Are you wearing something of his? Maybe you should go outside and talk about it. Bugger that. It’s too hot.

Shower Nap

Laying on the cool, tiled floor of a running shower isn’t just for lost frogs and alcoholics who’ve hit rock-bottom, it’s also for folks like me and you who are just really, really hot. A nap under a cold shower is heaven, and a nap under a cold shower with The Crying Game on repeat and a Calippo in your mouth is even better. And if you can’t be bothered to get up and go to the toilet, guess what, you don’t have to; you can just revert to the cradle right there under the cool, comforting rain, like a sad, pathetic, shameless pig.

Think Cool Thoughts

I saw this documentary once where a hypnotised dude passed a skewer through his arm and didn’t bleed–such is the power of the mind. The mind-body connection is very real, and it’s been proven that thinking cool thoughts can actually lower your overall body temperature. So close your eyes now and imagine a polar bear sitting in the snow, sipping on a Coke. He’s wearing sunglasses. Oh, look! He’s smiling at you as you gently glide past on roller skates, caressing yourself with a huge ice dildo.

Go To The Beach

Fuck work. Just go to the beach. This heat is ridiculous.

Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter