With the majority of punters returning to work this week we can no longer officially ignore 2018 and the resolutions we swore to come up with at the ringing in of the New Year.
Note: Getting off the coke and drink isn’t a resolution, it’s a monthly occurrence. Get serious.
Anyhow, as the world braces for World War III courtesy of society’s ongoing devolution towards Ancient Roman times, we offer you some tips on how to maybe—just maybe—help prevent all-out chaos in the year MMXVII.
Here’s a list of New Year Resolutions hand-picked to help you help others stop being fuckwits in 2018.
Resolve to stop being so easily offended, idiot
Legend coach Wayne Bennett refers to this gem often: “Don’t argue with dumb people because they’ll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” Sub out the word “dumb” for “irrational” and you’ve got a remastered saying feat. MC ripe to describe every social media argument of the modern era. Rather than attempting to defame someone whose choice of vocab or opinion you take offence to this year, choose to educate them instead. Or allow yourself to be educated by them. Great things have come from first being uncomfortable. And if nothing else, getting out of your comfort zone will make you a more well-rounded person—even if it hurts…
Resolve to remove Facebook and Insta from your phone
Hold up! Don’t delete the fuckers. But if you drop them from your phone, you’ll have way more time on your hands to actually engage with people or the task at hand. In fact, studies (not one we made up) prove we spend 23 solid days a year just scrolling on our phones. You can lose at least two guys in that time, complete an entire year of night classes (three hrs per class), or learn to play an instrument so you can slay some 2018 strange.
Resolve to consider conflicting points of view
Does the Adelaide Brain Spider actually exist or is it a figment of Crombie’s imagination? No one knows. But deriding or labelling someone for their point of view doesn’t help. Furthermore, your opinions actually don’t matter. Hence that age-old adage about assholes, opinions, and people who don’t pick up after their dogs. Get educated. Subscribe to legitimate news sources and unfollow The Daily Mail (hall pass for the saucy goss). Better yet, read stories written by people you consider dickheads—ahem—on conservative and far-right websites like Fox News, NY Post or Redstate to get a grasp of what the other mob is on about. “You have to know your enemy before you can conquer them”—that’s either a philosopher or Rage Against The Machine.
Resolve to only post one pic per vacation
We get it. You’re on vacation. And it’s so fun that you spend half of each day taking photos to upload the contents of an album to let everyone know how much fun you’re having. Look, sarcasm aside, you’re probably having a great time. And you do look good. But leave it at that. Share one special pic—your best one. Then let the rest of your friends, family and colleagues remove the toaster from the bath and go about their working days without being reminded it’s only Tuesday.
Resolve to drop the social media PDAs
“Love you, baby”, “My number one” and all that good stuff. Guess what, if your man or girl is in the pic with you, they’re likely—unless they’re a magician with vanishing ability—standing right beside you. Which means you can tell them to their face. No one wants to read your personal correspondence on social media—that takes all the fun out of stalking. And it stinks of relationship justification. The only acceptable times to post couple pics with personal messages are birthdays, anniversaries, pregnancies* and special anniversaries. Again, use sparingly.
*Yes, you look different. And it’s exciting. And everyone’s happy for you. But nine out of 10 Jonos prefer the non-pregnant pics.
Resolve to be a more considerate human
It’s not all about you. Consider for a moment, when you’re driving, that the other cars on the road actually contain humans whose worlds, worries, issues and insecurities matter just as much as yours. Yes, they’re still fuckwits on the road and should be using their indicators and getting the fuck out of the right lane, but who knows what worries have led them to such dickheadery… Thanks to identity politics, we’ve actually become more insular than whole as a society. Pubes are making a comeback in porn (so we’re told) so in the name of all that is good and bearded, it’s time to to bring back another retro trend – acting, thinking and behaving in the name of the common good. And by following even half of the above suggestions, you’ll be doing just that. Otherwise, you’ll still be a fuckwit – but worse, you’ll know it.