sparkling trails of light drawing out the numbers 2017 in glowing light to welcome in the new year

Your Stars for 2017


As 2016 comes to an end, many of us are wondering what next year will bring.

More misery? Yes, but that’ll happen to other people in other parts of the world… Or will it? What does 2017 really have in store for YOU? Let us consult those things that glitter in the night sky, those sparkly things that have absolutely nothing to do with anything, let alone the destiny of each and every individual on earth. Yes, let us–despite all reason–turn to the stars.




You’ve got charm, smarts, and the element of surprise going for you all year long, Aries. Saturn and Uranus are aligned most of the year, meaning you can continue with what’s been working well. However, there’s a chance Donald Trump might arrive at your house and bum you on the floor. Watch out.



This year, focus on your own well-being above all else. You can increase your material wealth and health this way, and also structure a more stable future. But, with Mars starting the year in your sign, you’d do well to install good locks on your house and avoid a violent bumming at the hands of the US President.



Make the most of your people skills and advance your goals for the future in 2017, dear Gemini! You’ll have endless ideas and insights next year, but it may be hard to activate them when Donald Trump soaks a rag in chlorophyll and bums your inert body in the bushes.



2017 can be a high-water year full of major achievements, crucial decisions and changes for you, Cancer. However, there’s every chance Donald Trump will tear your webbing, so keep your wits about you.



This is a year on fire, pouring energy into your work, career, and creativity sectors. The January Sun-Pluto conjunction keeps your ambition and work ethic sky high, and making it easier to avoid Donald Trump’s stumpy erection. Remain vigilant, though. He is out there.


il_340x270-1079900556_nqkiVirgin. Ha-ha.

As soon as the Sun conjoins Pluto in Capricorn on January 7, the year 2017 will blast off into an adventure of work and career possibilities for Virgos. However, ideas and plans may occasionally be interrupted by the creepy feeling that Donald Trump is hiding somewhere in your house, masturbating with a silken glove.



For the first ten months of 2017, enthusiastic and big-hearted Jupiter is in your sign, Libra! You can do endless good things with this. Strong allies, partners, and friends are there with you. Have a persistent vision, help and be helpful, and keep packing your rear passage with steel wool. Cometh the Trump.



You may not recognize just how lucky you are going to be this year, Scorpio! The Sun-Pluto conjunction at 2017’s beginning may keep you wired, intense, and focused on your chosen work. Keep an eye out for Donald Trump, though, because he will bum you till your nose bleeds the second he gets the chance.



2017 is a year wide open with opportunities for Sagittarians. There is plenty of energy that will prompt you to dig in and make tremendous progress. There are also countless doors opening to new, exciting ventures. By all means, keep those doors open, but always keep your backdoor firmly shut. Donald Trump is real. Don’t be a statistic.



It’s your year to charge ahead, make bold changes for progress, success, and achieve greater respect in the world. The Sun-Pluto conjunction in January empowers and emboldens you all year long. But watch out for DT and the half-used crayon he calls a boner.



2017 is a time of great potential and personal growth. Hard work and success are there, too, but your greatest progress may be made internally rather than externally. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Donald Trump. Bend over.




2017 is a year of pure magic! Take the time to distinguish between what’s real and what’s illusion and you’ll safely navigate any and all situations. With the Mars-Neptune conjunction in Pisces that opens 2017, blah, blah, Donald Trump is going to fuck us all.


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