10 Things I Hate About Being A Retoucher

No wrinkly asses here. Kendall for page 33, by Chris Searl.

The daily grind of droopy necks and wrinkly ass lies.

We spoke with an anonymous photo assistant regarding what he/she hates most about being a lowly photo assistant. Everyone thought his/her abject misery was hilarious, so we thought why not talk to someone who gets picked around in the photo trade even more: Retouchers. Like our photo assistant, our Retoucher wishes to remain anonymous for the obvious reason that if his clients discover he’s been bitching about them he might wind up in the soup line. After reading this, though, you might think the soup line sounds pretty good.

01. I hate, hate, hate retouching cougars with droopy fucking necks in swimwear catalogues. It just feels like I’m aiding a lie, a big, wrinkly-ass lie.

02. I hate it when models don’t eat enough and their bodies produce this hairy, fuzzy skin that takes forever to retouch out. There’s a much more important issue here, I know, but you have no idea how tedious this is.

03. I hate dealing with clients who have no idea what they want and so we go around in circles for days until we finally come back to my original suggestion like it was their suggestion in the first place. Shoot me.

04. I hate when my friends ask me to retouch their images as a favour. Come on, dudes. I’ve got rent to pay as well.

05. I hate when Photoshop crashes and I lose my work. Retouching cougars with droopy necks in swimwear catalogues twice is like getting the same tooth pulled twice: fucking awful.

06. I hate being asked to retouch an image more than I agree it should be retouched. It’s like, why pay a model when you could get the same post-retouch results out of shooting a fucking mannequin?

07. I hate getting sore eyes from staring at the screen all day then going out to dinner and being asked by everyone if I’m stoned. No, my eyes are just really, really sore.

08. Un-retouching images that a shitty retoucher retouched. This is probably the worst job to take on.

09. I hate looking at mega-babes all day, every day, because it warps my perception of women. Although, I think it has made me appreciate reality a lot more. I love freckles and imperfections now, they’re intrinsic to natural beauty, and I cringe when clients ask me to remove them.

10. I hate the back and arm pain associated with dealing with the above issues.

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