Seven Ways to be a Good Camper


Camping at a festival can go one of two ways—fantastic, or really, really not fantastic.

And it all depends how you and your fellow campers behave. If you conduct yourselves like dicks, everyone is going to have a bad time. If you’re courteous and thoughtful, chances are you’ll have a fun time; and who knows, you might even make some life-long friends. Here are some handy tips on how to be a good neighbour.

BE FRIENDLY AND POLITE

Hello, how are you? I’m fine thanks, how are you? Good, thank you very much for asking. Are you excited to see The Cure? Yes I am. Are you? Yes. Please have a nice day. That’s an example of a polite exchange between campers. Here’s an example of an impolite Exchange:

Watch where you are walking! You are not the boss of me! I know you are, so what am I? I do not like you. I do not like you either. No one wants that. Foster a good vibe by being friendly and polite at all times. And don’t be insecure weirdo pussies who are too cool to say hello to their neighbours. That’s weak.

SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP AFTER MIDNIGHT.

It’s a festival and everyone’s there to party, but when the clock strikes 12, turn your music off and shut up. If you keep making a racket after midnight, guess what? You’re a turd sub and you need to grow the fuck up. People who keep making a ton of noise after the reasonable curfew of midnight are right at the top of the asshole pyramid, which goes like this: Hitler, Bin Laden, Donald Trump, and then the inconsiderate dicks who keep everyone awake at a festival. Turn your fucking lights out and shut the
fuck up.

DON’T WALK THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE’S CAMPSITES.

Taking a shortcut through someone else’s campsite is like jumping your neighbour’s fence to get to the shops quicker. Don’t do that. That’s shitty. No one wants you and your rowdy troupe of knob-ends trudging through their yard, go the fuck around.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT LITTERING.

Duh. Are you a three-year-old? Put your shit in the bin, knucklehead. And if there’s no bin nearby, put it in your pocket until you see one. There’s nothing worse than people who think that it’s not a big deal to drop trash on the ground because “people are paid to pick it up”. Just put it in the bin, you entitled little shit-heel. And don’t drop cigarette butts everywhere either. And don’t smoke, for Christsake, it’s gross.

DON’T PLAY THE SAME RECORD/SONG OVER AND OVER.

When you’re chilling at the campsite, try to avoid playing that one song or album over and over again. Sure, you could listen to your favourite jam on repeat for days, but believe it or not, your neighbours might not want to hear “Downtown” by Mackle fucking-more 30 times in a goddamn row. Be thoughtful with your tunes.

DON’T BE AN UPTIGHT DOUCHEBAG.

You’re not staying at the Four Seasons; you’re camping at a festival, so don’t get all bent out of shape if you hear ‘Downtown’ by Mackle-fucking-more thirty times in a goddamn row.

DON’T PISS EVERYWHERE.

Use the toilets, you fucking ape. No one wants to see you shooting a hot stream of piss out of your cock-hole, so go use the toilets. If there’s a line, and you absolutely can’t wait, jog off into the bush
or something, but make sure you’re hidden, because no one wants to see you wringing out your dusty little slug. And don’t piss where people can smell it, either. Don’t be a bogan, dude. Same goes for you, ladies.

LOOK OUT FOR YOUR FELLOW CAMPERS.

If for whatever reason you fear for a fellow camper’s safety, don’t turn a blind eye–help out. Go check if everything’s cool, or holler at a security guard or camping marshal. It’s a festival, and sometimes festivals get a bit crazy, so if you see someone who looks like they’re having a bumming time, do something or say something to ensure they’re able to resume having a good time.

Have a good time!

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