The Japanese Penis Festival Just Keeps Growing


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There’s a time and a place to dick around.

Now we know that this isn’t exactly breaking news, but it’s Sunday, and as we know, the sabbath is the day for trawling the internet in search of the ridiculous. The Kanamara Matsuri festival is one such place. God, we love Japanese people. The Festival of the Iron Phallus is an ancient tradition that takes place in Kawasaki in April (we realise you’ve missed it but we’re giving you time to plan your trip, you dickhead).

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It celebrates all thing penis-related, including fertility, healthy births and STD awareness. One story about the history of the festival, is that in the 1600s local prostitutes used to go to the local shrine, to pray for protection against STDs. That’s a nice story but story number two is even better.

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There once was an evil vagina AKA vagina dentata, or toothed vagina, that did the unspeakable thing to a few guys who thought they were getting lucky but got very unlucky. The owner of the evil vagina went to go see a blacksmith, who created her an iron penis that broke the teeth, in order to protect her future suitor from a dick-less existence. We shit you not, even though we’re immature enough to make this up, we did not.

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The whole day is dicks galore. Penis puppets, floats, lollipops, hats, costumes, statues, penises as far as the eye can see.

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The whole family gets involved, so don’t be surprised if you see Nan with a cheeky shaped lollipop in her hand.

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The festival’s big attraction is the penis parade, where large penis idols are carried through the street, while everyone celebrates like it’s your average block party. If you think doing stuff like having a wang shaped radish carving competition at a penis festival is pointless, FYI all the money raised goes to HIV/AIDS research.   

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In conclusion, arigatoo Festival of the Iron Phallus for existing because you are truly hilarious and you gave us a reason to write the word dick more times than we can count.

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