All we are saying, is give Trump a chance. Actually no, we’re not saying that at all.
A reality TV star with a million-dollar inheritance is a terrifying proposition as a social influencer (see: Kardashian) let alone as US president. But while Donald Trump as ’Murican President would almost certainly be a foreign affairs, immigration, trade, military and human rights nightmare, should the mug with the rug get the nod it mightn’t be all bad for Australia. Hear us out. When surrounded by a sea of potential misery, it’s vital to find that life raft of optimism. And we swam, fished and trawled our minds for days to find not one, but six reasons that Donald Trump as US president would be good for Australia.
*Note: There are at least 108 reasons he’d be terrible not just for Australia but humankind.
1. Take the focus off our own political shitfight
From a political standpoint, Australia’s an international laughing stock courtesy of Tony Abbott’s bumbling ways, budgie smugglers and the fact we’ve had had seven Prime Ministers in as many years. Hell, we’ve gone through more PMs than the Blues have Origin halfbacks. Had more changes of heart of than Jarryd Hayne. And our current leaders are hardly doing anything to arrest our run of poor form. Trump’s notoriety is keeping Australia well and truly out of the foreign press and that can only be a good thing as it currently stands.
2. A traveller’s dream
Any Aussie who’s travelled to the US in the past two years has suffered the agony of losing upwards of 25 per cent of your hard-earned on exchange rate. Long gone are those glorious few years of parity where we could live like Trump at Coachella, spend like Trump in NYC and scam babes like Trump in LA without blowing the budget. But with DT as prez, another US financial collapse is odds-on inside of four years and that could see the AUD to USD ratio doing a complete 180. Better yet, a Trump America will hardly be attracting the same demand for flights, meaning cheaper tickets all round.
3. Outrage culture could cease to exist
When literal walls are being built to separate race, class and countries. When DT has his finger on the big red “war” button. When outrageous public discriminatory comments aren’t just tolerated but encouraged, then freeing nipples, slut shaming and safe spaces will be the least of our concerns. Because when Trump starts threatening the basic human rights of all, the social media warriors will quickly discover that censorship of boobs and educated opinion are topics superfluous to the future of humankind. There will be more pressing matters to discuss than how KK and Em Rata can expose themselves as frequently as possible – in the name of feminism, apparently – on a social media application widely used by children as young as eight.
4. TV at its absolute best
His press conferences, media appearances and outlandish quotes aside, Trump would have the power to create arguably the best show in television history – The Celebrity Apprentice President.
Just imagine David Hasselhoff, Big Brother’s Hotdogs or Jeb Bush having a crack at running the US of A. Now, that’s must-see TV…
5. The 99 per cent will rise again
As far back as Aristotle’s time it’s been widely accepted that the wealthy manipulate politics and therefore the general public, creating a society of us-against-us while the rich go about getting richer and making everyone else worse off. History has proven time and time again that the ultimate method for the wealthy to stave off the rest is by creating a society occupied by class, race and material wars – where everyone’s too busy protecting their own interests to realize the power in a majority and take it to the big dogs. They’re the shit-stirrers who call the big bloke at the bar a fuckwit then blame it on you and sit back and take money on the outcome of the fight. Our society is more narcissistic than ever. Self interest has never been higher. Trump has the power to unite us against him.
6. The return of the prodigal sons and daughters
For too long Australia’s best and brightest have fled our shores to make it big in the States, heading up major tech companies, creative agencies, film franchises and music studios. Or, you know, turn their backs on lucrative Aussie careers to serve tables in West Hollywood.
It’s time to bring most of them home. And DT is just the man to do it.