Posted by - 05.Feb.2016

: Dirty Grandpa & 7 De Niro Classics If He Made Them Today

Words by Chris Flynn

Is Robert De Niro the new Leslie Nielsen? Surely you can’t be serious. I am, and don’t call me Shirley.

I can totally hear De Niro saying that line. They’ve got to remake the Naked Gun series with him as Lt. Frank Drebin. It’s the role he was born to play, especially now he’s finally proved himself as an actor of note in Dirty Grandpa. He can fart, make dick jokes, employ dubious racial and homophobic slurs—what a repertoire! What a movie! Zac Efron gets a swastika made from penises drawn on his forehead (a ‘swasticock’, according to dual Oscar winner Bobby D), Dermot Mulroney gets three ejaculating penises drawn on his face (hilarious!), Efron gets a lovetap from his grandfather’s huge flaccid member (ha ha, those rogues!) and De Niro shoves his thumb (and a baby’s thumb) up Efron’s asshole five times. What japes!

The only good thing about Dirty Grandpa is Aubrey Plaza, who subverts the slutty college chick trope so completely as a horny gerontophiliac, you start to believe she wandered onto set from a different movie. I think it’s supposed to be a comedy, though it was hard to tell when I saw it. No one in the cinema laughed at any point, though to be fair, I was the only person in there.

For the kids who only know De Niro’s post Y2K work as a ludicrous buffoon, here’s a handy guide to what some of his earlier classics might be like, if he made them now.

THE GODFATHER: PART II, Robert De Niro, 1974

The Godfocker: Comical patriarch Michael Corleofocker has to deal with the hijinks surrounding the extended family that attend his daughter’s wedding, all of whom are hitmen. Someone is accidentally shot in the ass after some focker leaves a pistol in the toilet.

 Midnight Runs: Bounty hunter with a bad case of diarrhea sharts his way across America while bonding with his prisoner, who is 50 years his junior and smoking hot. They fall in love, awww!

The Touchables: Elliot Mess is a blind hobo former fashion designer recruited by a team of cheerleaders who need someone to create a bra that supports their incredible bouncing boobs. Also, because he’s disabled he gets to shower with them after games. The twist is he’s not really blind, but the girls don’t mind and he has sex with all of them!

monster-children-taxi-driver

Uber Driver: Grouchy but loveable cabbie Travis Pickle has to wipe jizz off the back seat of his taxi every night and as a result becomes so sexually frustrated and horny that he tries to sleep with an underage prostitute. It’s a shot for shot remake of the original.

 On Heat: Neil and Hanna are two elderly men who have to share the same room in a nursing home. Turns out they are old rivals, one a cop, one a criminal. Both incredibly horny, they compete for bed baths administered by a young nurse played by Jennifer Lawrence and frequently confront each other over the breakfast buffet.

Bull Rager: Retired accountant Bull LaMotta gets his old fraternity brothers back together (one of them’s gay now, one’s black and one has bowel cancer) for a final debauched party where they befriend and then bed some hot young sexually available Filipino women, one of whom turns out to be transsexual but that’s ok.

The Deer Muncher: Charming racist septuagenarian special forces veteran Mike Vronsky has to confront his prejudices when he falls for a sassy 20 year-old Vietnamese exotic dancer played by Emma Stone.

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