Everybody has that one friend that cruises through life with no qualms because they are good at everything.

You know the guy, the mutha-fucker was born with pearly white straight teeth and a glistening head of hair to rival that of Jared Leto’s. Academically, they’ve always been top of the class, they excel in any sport they’ve ever attempted and when you had just discovered your old boy’s stash of porn magazines and were learning about the female reproductive system, your buddy had already lost his virginity to the hot older baby sitter. He was born into wealth and looks like some kind of greek adonis with his shirt on or off.  Hand the prick a guitar, and within half an hour he’s already plucking away Hendrix – Voodoo Child without breaking a sweat, serenading anyone in his vicinity . Put him in a kitchen and he will whip up a three course banquet that would make Betty Crocker whip cream herself.  He is the last guy on earth you’d ever want to take away camping with you and your missus as the bastard kills wild bears just by looking at them. You’d be struggling to start a fire, and he’d start one by looking at two sticks. Later he would mix your girl a cup of hot coco over the fire he made with his eyes, you’d then play a game of Scrabble where he would pull out words such as sesquipedalian, perfidiousness and cuddlesome at which point he’s already made love to your girlfriend, just by looking at her.

Kalani David most likely surfs better than you, skates better than you and can probably start fires with his eyes. If he’s your buddy I’d suggest un-befriending him as quickly as possible.


Sign up for the Monster Children Newsletter