Features / Girls / News / Opinion
Posted by - 09.09.2013

Foxy but Dead

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Did I do Grace Kelly yet? Who cares, she’s amazing, I’ll do her again.

Grace Kelly is without a doubt the single most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on–with the exception of every girlfriend I told was the single most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on. Grace was born in Philly, no less, to an Irishman and a German lady. This means she was more than likely a humorless liar. She seemed nice though… I fell in love with Grace when she kissed Jimmy Stewart in Hitchcock’s Rear Window. That kiss is the most amazing thing you will ever see. God I wish it’d been me lying there with a leg in plaster and tent in my pants. Lucky bastard. If Grace were alive today and she smiled at me I’d probably vomit, shit my pants and die. Naomi Watts smiled at me in Whole Foods once. True story. I was looking at some hummus and she came round the corner, doubled-take’d me and smiled. I’m no oil painting but she was totally feeling the kid. I’ve been really lucky because I’m generally not that attractive to the female population, but the microscopic percentage that are into me are SUPER into me, and sometimes they’re off the charts gorgeous. Most of the time they’re mutants, though. Oh well. I don’t think Grace would have been feeling me: I’m poor and ordinary. But then the dude she married looked like a Mario Brother, plus– he was a midget. But he was also Prince Rainier III of Monaco, and you can’t compete with that. Grace and her family (who were properly minted) had to provide the Prince with a 2-million dollar dowry before the wedding could proceed, and that makes me think the Prince was a cock. After the wedding the Prince banned Grace’s movies from being shown in Monaco, and he also forbade her from making more movies. So, yeah, he was a total cock. I think he might’ve been mildly retarded too because… He cheated on her. Who cheats on Grace Kelly? What a fucking moron. Anyway, in 1982, at the age of 52, Grace had a stroke while driving her car. She drove off the road and down a mountainside. She was alive when they pulled her from the wreckage, but she died in hospital the following day. If she were alive today Grace would be 83, and I’ll bet she’d still be a stone fox. God, she was beautiful. Grace Kelly. Foxy but dead.